Yesterday I renewing my acquaintance with the hall carpet, but we met not in our normal slap bang fashion, no this was something quite different. For over 10 yrs the mad lurch in a direction that I wasn’t intending in going, followed by a one swift crash to the ground often hurting myself purely because I have tried to interfere with the process, has been just the way things were. I doubt if anyone with MS has managed to make it through more than a couple months without this type of fall, it’s mainly balance induced, which is why you have the opportunity to protect yourself. I learned very quickly that the safest place to be was where there was something to break your fall, or something to grab hold of, but for me, well the walls became my best friends. I have been a wall huger for so long, that I even expect to see lines appearing on the walls I walk past most, as my hand is almost always touching one of them. In fact I would go as far as to say that if you watched people moving around, you will spot one of my kin folk with ease. The MS suffer who’s finger tips are either touching, or are just centimeters away from the wall, never crossing those large gaps where there were no comforting support, without a touch of fear, as they are forced out into the open. 99% of these falls, actually never include falling, just banging into something with a sense of relief.
My worst falls actually aren’t down purely to my MS, they have been down to my Vassal Vega. There is no protection really from these although at times they do give just enough warning to allow you to find somewhere to sit or lie down and let the feeling subside. We now know that my Vassal Vega is stimulated by my MS, it likes to play with my Vega nerve, triggering a sudden drop blood pressure, so that feeling as though you are going to pass out, appears often with warning but occasionally with none. Passing out gives you no options, you are out cold until the blood reaches your brain again, or until the blow to your head allows you to be conscious again. I suspect that the odd wall huger may be a fellow Vega nerve victim, as again those walls give you an option of sliding down to the ground rather than smashing into it. Either of these types of sensations are usually worse than the outcome, as I constantly tell Adam, falling isn’t the danger he thinks it is, most fall situations actually end in sitting and not usually even on the floor.
So what was so different about yesterday, well a lot! A couple of days ago I described how every muscle in my limbs felt drained and heavy, with no position of peace from either the pain this causes or just somewhere to put them where feeling useless didn’t equate to being either in the way or aching. Even just yesterday I said I wanted help with my arms as they were so drained that the weight of them was too much for me. For days now that sensation has never really gone, but it isn’t just a sensation, it’s a reality. My muscles are distinctly weakened and unable to deal with the simplest everyday actions. I was coming out of the bathroom when suddenly both my legs vanished from under me, not in a falling action but in a crumpled motion. I went straight down with one leg caught under me. There was so little strength in them that I had to assist with my arms to reposition my right leg and once out from under me, I started to try and work out how I was going to get up again. There was little at the right height that I could use, as I know without trying that my legs were not going to assist in the way you would expect legs to do. I needed something that would allow me to use almost my entire body, as that was the only way that I could multiply up the energy I needed. There was only one answer, I needed to crawl to the living room where the settee’s are, they had all the correct components to rise to a standing position again. I twisted round and managed to get myself onto all fours and ready to cross the hall, well that was the plan.
As soon as I started to change my balance and take the weight of my right arm so it could move forward, I crashed face first into the carpet. Not just my legs but arms had gone too. I was still on my knees, but face down on the floor, at first totally unable to change my position. I wasn’t there for that long, but I couldn’t believe what had happened, how had my body just done all of this and how as I going to fix the situation. I managed to flatten myself out and to twist so I was on my back rather than my stomach, as I was finding breathing really hard with so much weight on my ribs. I know I lay there for over 10 minutes as I had a clear view of the bathroom clock, it was just five past 4, I had been out of bed for just 15 minutes, so I should be rested and at my best, not lying on the floor feeling like a rag doll. I began to think that I was going to be there for next 2 hours, when Adam would be home and unable to get in, as I was lying in front of the outside doors. I wasn’t really hurt, to be honest the worst injury was the slam onto my left side of my ribs when my arm collapsed, the rest was just drained and aching. I eventually realised that the front doors low level brass handle gave me my first point that might get me up, I worked out my plan and when ready started to get up, the front door handle on one hand and the door surround of the bathroom as a brace, bit by bit I was back up and mobile.
Adam was mad with me for getting up, he seemed to think that lying there for 2 hrs should have been the option I had taken, as I might have collapsed again, I think you can guess what I had to say to that. I have never crumpled like that before, but to be honest with the way my body feels so drained it isn’t really surprise, I simply have no strength. If I stood up now and it happened again, well I wouldn’t be shocked by it in anyway. We spoke about it last night, with no real answers anywhere. I had since it happened been using my walking stick to move around, but that on reflection came out as a bad idea. If it happened with my walking stick in hand, it was going to make things worse not better. It would quite simply get in the way, I could so easily get caught up in it, send it flying and damaging things, including myself. If you are thinking it could help to get me up, well thing about that again, it would be of no use at all as it is too high.
So here I am with a new issue and one with little I can do to help, the house doesn’t have the space to use a wheelchair, nothing about it works that way and there just isn’t space. I thought about a walking frame for just a second, as I only move around when I need something, you need both hands for a frame. There are no answers and no way round it that I can see at this moment, I just have to factor in that me and anything I have with me, has a possibility of visiting the floor at any time my body decided. I love life, nothing ever just coasts for very long, nothing is ever simple and easy to solve, it just keeps you guessing and working on those solutions.