Just not getting there.

6am, I was awake, I am never awake that early but a pain in my left heel was screaming at me and 2 and a half hours later, well it calmed down but it is still there. I am making a huge guess here, but I think it is pressure point pain. I have had spells of it before but never in such a large area of my heel, before it was about a 2 inch line around an inch wide, this is covering the whole of my heel not unlike in the past when it was just at point it changes from foot to heel, but rising a couple of inches above that and about an inch into my sole. Sleeping on my back and not really moving about, I guess could easily cause this but I can’t think of any simple relief. It wasn’t just my heel, although it wins the prize for pain level, but it was also again in the inside of my right elbow and down another notch, my right leg, which I again think could be due to not moving. I suppose that anyone who spend so many hours in bed as I do, will start to have problems due to pressure points and circulation, but no on talks you through these problems, I only even know about them due to my watching of far to many hospital soaps and documentaries. If I am honest without the TV I wouldn’t have much of my knowledge of medical issues and much more, but I can’t feel that it is right for the world to expect those of us who are ill relying on “Casualty” to be sure if you are ill or not?

Illness has so many phases and when you take what appears to be a fact, that no one seems to have just one chronic illness and so far I now have 14, you might start to see just how complex life becomes. I have done my best through all of this to deal with what is happening at that moment in time and not worry about the rest. I can only guess that that is why all the planning for what happens when I die, well is just that bit hard to get my head around. I can’t remember when I tried to plan for something that wasn’t happening today, or at the furthest tomorrow, so thinking about something that I can only hope isn’t going to happen tomorrow, is plain odd. I have spent sometime on line trying to sort out a funeral plan, I had it in my head to go to the Co-op and arrange it all there, then I hit a problem, they want to be payed for the whole thing within one year, not what I was looking for. The only option that I am left with is to deal with insurance companies and take out one of these over 50’s plans. They don’t ask any medical questions, but they ask a million others. We had a plan when we first bought this flat which should have paid the entire mortgage when I was diagnosed with MS, guess what, they found within the questions we had answered on flaw and that was their way around it. They paid us nothing but the money we had paid into it the fund from the start. My trust in insurance companies was tainted, but to be fair to them the redundancy insurance I had did pay out, but I am still just not totally trusting in them. I don’t know if you have looked at any of them but there are so many choices and so many options, that very quickly it becomes a case of feeling like sticking a pin into the list and going with that one.

The way I have been feeling in the last few days hasn’t made any of it any easier. Trying to read and take in reams of gobbledygook when all you want to do is stop, not move, not think and at the worst sleep, isn’t making any of it any easier. Right now my arms just don’t want to move, they are aching so badly that moving them from just resting on my desk, feels almost impossible. I would love to have some kind of hoist, which I could put my arms into and would it would then take the wait of them off my shoulders, but I would then still be able to type. In my mind I have built a million different gizmo’s, things that would make my life easier at that moment in time, but unfortunately would cost a fortune to build and of no use a few days later. Gizmo’s or not, nothing has really changed in the past 24hrs, despite the fact that Adam came home from work to find me still in bed yesterday. It surprised me as well, as lately he hasn’t been home until about 6, I had been letting myself sleep until about quarter-to. My aim that this would let me stay up later, hasn’t really been working, but I still have hope in time I will see the change I hope for.

I’m going to head back to my bed now for an hour or so, just to catch-up what I lost earlier, I know it’s going to screw things up even further, but I really don’t have the energy to stay up any longer. I can only hope that as the day goes on, I will be able to slot back into the my normal routine. I am getting the feeling though that that is a dream and one that will probably not be fulfilled for several days at the very least.