I have been in increased pain since early yesterday afternoon, I don’t know what triggered it, all I know is that I am in pain round the base of my ribs and it isn’t going away. Add to that a distinct feeling of I just don’t care about anything and you find a picture of me that says I just want to go to bed. The temperature is still not as low as I would like, but they have improved slightly, I always believed that if you had heavy rain and thunder that the air was supposed to cool, but I guess that is yet another rule in life that isn’t a rule at all. Who ever it was that wrote that book deserves to be shot for misleading the majority of the world population for far to many years. I usually don’t think stupid things like that unless I am in pain, it seems to be some part of my trying to distract myself. Both my legs are in so much pain that I once again don’t know what to do with them, they hurt from the soles of my feet upwards and there is nowhere that gives me any peace. The more I move my legs around of course means I am move the rest of my body and that means my ribcage as well. I can’t win.
I have to say that I have been lucky enough not to have the pain in my arms as well as I did last night. I had tried for a while to straighten my torso by leaning on my clenched fist, pushed into the cushions of the settee. The unfortunate result wasn’t a decrease of pain anywhere else, but just more pain in an area that didn’t hurt before. Going to sleep was my only escape and I took at around 9pm, the good news is though, I didn’t have to get up during the night even once, I just slept until the alarm. Those strange sensations that force me to straighten my spine when I stand up have returned again as well. They start out like a mini need to stretch, but I don’t really as they turns into this shiver of lightening along my entire spine, spreading out from their central line to a range of about 2 inches either side. They don’t hurt in themselves, but they are something to be avoided if possible, which in itself is a strange thing to say as I can’t avoided them at all.
I guess that I will never actually get peace again from pain of some sort or another but when it is in one area at a time, I can deal with it and I can manage it, but when it has taken over more than one area, then, well then it grows into a bigger trial than I personally want to deal with. When it then continues to grow and it gets to the point where it is easier to find area’s that don’t hurt or at the least ache, well then it works it way into being some what unbearable. Think it through, if you can’t sit due to pain, you can’t stand due to pain and you can’t walk due to pain, what can you do, lie down, nothing but lie down and I don’t want to go there. There is the one thing I still have a little control of, I can still choose not to be bed bound, even if that is the only place left where pain doesn’t vanish, but it is reduced. I haven’t thought through the process of how you switch from one stage to another, I became housebound over night and I suppose I expected my next step to bed bound to be just as dramatic. I hadn’t thought before that it could be as simple as this that the pain gets to much, so I keep lying down, until I lie down all the time.
I guess none of us like the idea of slow decline, that gradual stepping down into a decayed mess. A sudden clear cut off, a change that happens outwith any control is somehow an easier thing to be able to deal with, I have been decaying long enough already to have at least thought this through, but I haven’t. Slowly I have less energy, slowly I have slept more and slowly I have more pain, so slowly I am clearly not the person I once was. But at what stage did I choose not to think any further about what is actually a very logical and clear future, decay.