When things dont work it caused frustration for all of us, I am no different and I am heading for a really loud and explosive scream, not because of my health, no this is much more fundamental than that, even universal I would say. My COMPUTER!!!! Actually to be fair I think it is more the internet, but getting there slowly, very slowly.
I cant actually remember what it was in everyday life that used to annoy us before the computer appeared, ready to convince all of us we are either idiots or there is a worldwide conspiracy to drive us all mad. I hate to say it, but I expect you will find that it was still technology, possibly the TV and small aerial that constantly need tweaking, or the radio when switching channels meant a manual turning of a dial, chasing stations that chose to disappear. I actually remember clearly when I was around 12, I was in bed with my portable radio, under the covers with a small strangle in ear earphone in place, so my parents wouldnt know I was awake. I was searching for radio Caroline unaware as most kids my age that it couldnt be heard in Scotland, but as I scanned with my dial I heard a loud and incredibly confident voice announce, This is the voice of America, then vanished. I thought I must have knocked the dial slightly and I started a search which led to nothing, I never found it again or any station in the band width I was looking for, but it still amuses me to today. Its strange how so much of our lives seem forgotten and filled with gaps where we know things once where, even without illness everyone has gaps, areas where we know things must have happened but we have somehow chosen to sweep it away and replace it with nothing. Why should I remember the radio voice over everything else that happened around that time? I hate to believe that that was the highlight of my childhood for that week, month or even year. Surly my life wasnt that dull?
I am already tired, I was woken again by the desire to head for the toilet, at least it wasnt painful but surely I should have stopped my middle of the night jaunts. As I took my last tablet last night I had high hope that I would settle back into my normal pattern, but know once again just after 5 I was up. I tried for over an hour to fall again into a clear sleep, but I simply found myself dozing for a few minutes, before yet again jolting into wakefulness. Even lying down I knew that my balance was all over the place, I dont know how I know these things, as there is no logical process to loss of balance being made clear while you are lying on your back. Dizzy, yes I can see that one, but I wasnt dizzy, I just knew that once again I was going to have trouble walking in anything near to a straight line. I managed to wonder my way into the livening room and I closed 2 of the 3 windows, I didnt want to stand any longer, not even long enough to switch on the TV, I needed to sit. Even 3 hours on I still dont feel steady in anyway, that includes even when sitting, I have this strange sensation that I could lurch of my office chair on to the floor. This is of course going to add an new element to the shopping arriving, not usually my favourite day I admit, but with the feeling that any second I might just be accompanying the shopping on to my hall floor, it might be just that little bit more amusing. I dont have time as the doorbell might ring any second, but I guess if I couldnt go back to sleep earlier, there is little chance of my being able to go back to sleep at this very minute, but I am already looking forward to it this afternoon.
Doing the physio is really becoming rather hit and miss, we don’t seem to be able to get it into a routine that works for all 7 days, you would think that Saturday and Sunday would be the easiest but they are turning out to be the two days, that we just don’t do them at all. Partly I suppose is down to our well documented sleep patterns, but I also I think it has a lot to do with the fact we seem to deal with the weekend at a slower pace and setting in that measured period of time to do something that doesn’t in it’s nature actually say weekend. I suppose that if we are managing the other 5 that it is better than nothing, if I lived on my own I would have to go to the hospital for physio and I doubt that would be done more than once a week.
I have managed to get the first of the phone numbers I need so at least that list of requirements has one tick against it. I did a search on line yesterday to be more forearmed if you like with what drawing up a will actually entails, I recommend to everyone who is thinking of doing the same thing to search and learn, before you just call a Solicitor and pay what they say. You may notice that I am now saying Solicitor and not lawyer, I guess I am not alone in not knowing which is which and why, but it is actually really simple once you have Googled it. They are all Solicitors to start with, that is the basic lever, to be a Lawyer they have to qualify as a Barrister, which then means they can represent you in court, so unless you are trying to stay out of jail, for most of us a Solicitor is whos assistance we will be looking for. There is a wide range in what they charge and dont be pulled in by will writing services, many have no idea legally what they are doing and run cons that mean you will be out of pocket for at least £200, so shop slowly and check carefully before you dive in. I personally use the internet as a weapon thats on my side, I search for complaints and legal actions against them, its a small buffer but if you dont know who to go to, well it is a help. I guess that nothing, including dying is as simple as we would like it to be and it doesnt surprise me at all that there are people out there ready to scam money out of you. I guess the whole way through I am going to have to research the next step before taking it.
I just heard the first rumble of thunder, the first for several years. I have to say I love thunder and lightning but I thought from the weather forecast that we werent going to get any. Its strange how just like when it snows that I find myself instantly feeling alive. Just watching the rain bouncing already of the windowsill, I can feel myself getting more and more excited. Being a big kid is still one of the things I am allowed and able to enjoy.