When weakness take over

There is nothing like fighting with a bottle of coke where the factory has added the cap so tightly fixed that you just can’t open them. If you don’t at this second in time have a set of old fashioned nut cracker, I suggest that you buy some right now. Of all the silly little things I bought years ago it is the one I have used the most. Fabulous for opening Champagne, well in my case Carver with ease, if you take your time, as they do slip on the plastic tops they are equally good on Coke bottles as well. The only problem I find in using them is I always remember opening Champagne, with of course the disappointment of having only Coke to add to my glass.

I took a strange reaction to yesterday, as you know I was decidedly diminution during the morning while I was trying to write, but when lunchtime arrived and Adam came home I actually rallied and had the energy to go through my physio. There is little to know energy required on my part as it is Adam that does all the real work, with all the intentions being on making my intercostal muscles loosen so I can actually use them in breathing. I just sit there on a chair as he prods and pokes to find each rib and then to manipulate the connection to my spine, he doesn’t like doing that one daily, as he fears he will do some damage constantly as he puts it “fiddling around with my spine”. In all there are just 3 manipulations but they take time and for all of them I am actually exercising other muscles myself. Adam doesn’t seem to know his own strength and often slowly pushes me off the chair, or twists me into strange positions. My muscles have to my surprise deteriorated faster on my right side than my left, it is also my right arm and leg that are least able to hold me still. I had known for a long time that I was having problems twisting my body to the right, going to the loo and shown me that there was little twist or reach left, but I can’t work out why. So a clearer picture has actually been revealed, left side for pain, pain that actually means nothing and appears to be doing nothing. When the right side has far less pain, spasms, yes but at a fraction of the strength everything attaches the left with, but when it comes to strength it is the one that has quietly been shrinking in it’s abilities.

Adam went back to work and I continued with everything I intended, finding the energy to catchup what had been missed in the morning. Then bang, at around 2:30 I turned into a useless tray of jelly, my whole body was 100 times weaker than my right side had been at lunch, I took it as a timely message to go to bed. Sleep didn’t ease it and my energy had drained away even when I was lying down. Something as simple as lifting my glass to take a sip to drink, was difficult as my arm just didn’t have the strength required, it shuddered through the whole journey from table to mouth and back again. My walking, which isn’t the best was worse than I have been for months, but it was even worse when I sat down again, any muscle I had used told me about it for far longer than I had in the past. I am sure it was or is the heat, but I believe that I have been given a glimpse of my future. It is hard to spit apart what is doing what and if something has nothing to do with anything, if this isn’t the heat, then it is a glimpse not of the future, but the present. Right now my arm muscles are telling all about the words I am typing, from the shoulder to my knuckles there is the ache of a muscle over used and exhausted. I can only compare this to one thing and that was the way that my left arm felt during recovery from being completely dead and useless. There is a weakness that I can’t actually find missing now from any part of my body, I hope when the weather man stops gushing about the wonderful weather that we are ‘all’ enjoying, that it is followed by an equally long period of cloud cover and liveable temperatures.

With it being Saturday Adam is sleeping but we did agree that this is the weekend that we will sort out the detail of an array of things that will surround my death when it eventually happens. There is much more to talk about than he thinks, but as I explained yesterday once this is all done, there will be no reason to talk of it again, hopefully for a long time and we can then get on with living. Life is always easier when you don’t have a list of things sitting there, thought of again and again but never actioned because they hurt to much to actually go there. I know without doubt we will both be at more ease once the difficult things are said.