I guess I am heading into a weekend where I will be in my bed rather a lot. The temperature here is rising by the second and it’s only 9:45, for me the forecast looks gloomy, blinds shut, windows open and lying on my bed wishing that it would just end. This morning I swallowed the second of my antibiotics so fingers crossed that I will at least be quite soon revealed of the pain of this stupid infection. I just don’t know at the minute which thing is causing me the most trouble, it is as though my body is doing it’s best to annoy me in some way. When things like this overbearing heat appear, it just confused things, you suddenly chalk up everything to that and ignore any possibility that it is actually anything else. I have often wondered how many elderly people die in hot summers or cold winters because they sit there putting everything down to the weather. My MS explains why I don’t deal well with huge fluctuations in temperature but the more you blame the weather the more you stop looking for anything else, I gave up going to the doctor every summer complaining of exhaustion as the second I said I was fatigued they to blamed the weather. In the winter when said everything hurt, they blamed arthritis and tried to send me off for different tests, negative results didn’t seem to mean anything, or even suggest they looked further. If you add in the fact everyone thinks old age is an illness in itself, well I’m glad I have my diagnosis before either they or I could tag that one on me too. I have often wondered about that one, old age, I guess I won’t actually be around to find out now but I actually think if I am honest it wasn’t something I was keen on anyway.
I’m finding it hard to think today, the words just don’t seem to be flowing nor can I actually think of what to write next, not usually a problem for me. I just feel like I want to curl up and do nothing, but I suppose this blog is to be as much about that as anything else. This is how I feel today, I just want to give up to the desire of nothing, yes I do believe there is a concept of nothing. Nothing is about not thinking, not bothering, not interacting. Nothing is when the world is a place outside and one you don’t even want to admit is there, it’s an amazing bolt hole on it’s own, because it doesn’t put any pressure on you in anyway. I am not normally someone who runs away from things, yet there just those times like this that I can hear the world around me, the TV is on and there is traffic outside but I am glad I don’t have to react to it, or pay attention to it and I am really glad of that. My energy is so drained so low that everything just seems to be that too hard to bother with. Inside I feel calm and at ease with just letting the minutes pass and that is so not me.
I suppose this is one of the biggest things that I know has changed in me, I would never have been happy to just stop, and even more so I wouldn’t have told anyone if I did, I would have just kicked myself up the backside and got on with it. Something inside you changes as your health gets worse, it is such a fundamental change that to explain it isn’t easy at all. There is more acceptance of what the world delivers, you question less what you are able to do and what your not, and you become able to accept having to just exist. I thought not having a purpose to my day, as in working and making a living, would be the end of me, yet I now I can accept that is just the way it is. What it was and when the change happened, I don’t have the slightest idea, I just know that it changed and I changed with it. I guess though I have to accept these changes as they happen and if I need to retreat into nothing for a while every now and then, well it won’t hurt me that’s for sure.