I woke this morning with one of those wonderful quandaries of life, I was desperate to go to the loo and my legs were so painful that I was in not hurry to actually stand on them. Just trying to find the controller for the mattress elevator caused so much pain in my back and hips that I had no choice but to take it slowly, slow with a full bladder really isn’t the best mixture. Once I was sat up I was almost in tears from the pain, normally I would put the mattress back to flat but I couldn’t as that takes time, I had no option on what I had to do and that was to stand and although I wanted to run, I had to walk. I often start my day this way, but today was more intense, add in that once standing I actually felt like I wanted to passing out, it wasn’t the best start to any day.
At times I find the strangest things just running through my mind, things that have no relevance to anything happening now, but appear as vivid as if it were happening at that moment. Like daydreams the slowly grasp you and take you away from the real world, but unlike day dreams they are not fantasy as they are all fixed to the past. It is as though that now I have the time to sort out my life, I am taking it and disappearing back there looking for the sense I never found at the time. This isn’t new, it started not long after I became housebound and it has continued in spurts ever since. We all I am sure do exactly the same and with everything happening now it is of no real great surprise that now is the time I am off there again. I used to always wonder where it was that the elderly went when they appeared to be sat there with no reaction or sense of knowing where they are or what was happening around them, I think I am beginning to understand. The frustrating thing is I still have so much to do, I don’t have the spare time to just drift off just because my mind wants to go there, why can’t it wait until I am just sat there with no way of doing anything else? So I drift and when pain brings me back I loose yet again what those thoughts were all about.
Late on yesterday I started to turn round the idea that my new meds are actually helping, I was just sat on the settee and my breath was slow and hard to find. The strange thing is that although for months now it has always been my left lung that felt as though it was struggling, now it is my right. I haven’t had a minute of peace from it now for 3 days. I don’t know what is happening but I woke the other morning not only with my right lung feeling like a piece of lead, but I also my entire arm was numb, almost as though the focus had been totally changed side. Then through out yesterday and the evening before I had the feeling that I could pass out at any moment, so much so I had my walking stick with me at times yesterday. When I spoke to Adam last night we went through everything that changed and the only thing we could isolate was that I had just drunk my way through a 2 ltr bottle of Coke, not my normal brand. His thought and to a degree mine, was that there may be a chemical in this brand that didn’t agree with me. At 8 o’clock he went off to wash the glasses so as I was sat alone, I went to my bed as I had had enough of feeling rotten. I was tired but when am I not, but the catalyst of heading to bed was simple, I had had enough of just feeling ill. So here I am today having changed the brand of Coke back to my normal, both for the last glass last night, but now on my second of the day and yet again I feel nauseous and giddy, that light headed feeling is again making me feel really unwell. I guess it’s not the coke! To be fair this is a sensation that I get a lot, but it is usually just at the end of the day, not all the way through it. Add together the drifting and the sensation of wanting to pass out, to the heat making it hard to breath and I don’t feel that great. I also feel as thought my day is becoming muddled and unstable, I feel suddenly like a disabled person, if that makes any sense.
No I’m not feeling sorry for myself, these are just the facts of what is happening right now. I feel so muddled that just writing this has meant rereading and reading again what I have written, in a hope that it is still making enough sense for anyone reading it. It has also taken me 2 hours double the time it should have, but I just can’t keep up with it. Things aren’t good and I just can’t find the trigger or how to get my balance on life back, all I can do is wait and see what happens.