The hardest conversaton

Yesterday I went through what has to have been one of the most tough half hours in my life. We all have those milestones where we have no choice but things have to be said or things have to happen, but sitting with my daughter discussing exactly where I am now with my health and how that clock is now clicking has to have been one of the. Teressa and Jon arrived as we expected but before they arrived Adam asked me if I wanted him to get Jon out of the house for a short while so that Teressa and I could talk, I to had been wondering how I could get her to myself, even if it had just been in the kitchen, but I had a real need to speak to her alone. It wasn’t that I wanted to say anything that neither Adam or Jon were to hear, but sometimes things need to be discussed without others adding in their view points or beliefs, I just wanted that small window where we could speak clearly and in depth about all that had crashed into our lives thanks to yet another diagnosis.

They had been here about an hour and Adam said that he was going out to drop of a prescription and asked, well closer to demanded that Jon went with him to the chemist. Once they had left, Teressa said she had been expecting that we would find a window to talk. She had all the details about how my lungs are closing down, how my health is now on a one way track and so on, but what I wanted more than anything was to tell her about my decision to now have an active DNR and to make it clear that I had no desire to be a vegetable in my own body. I wanted her and I to talk these things through as the last thing I ever wanted was her and Adam standing there arguing over things in the future. I even briefly told her the way in which I am planning to draw up my will and that she will be kept informed once these things were done and what they contained. I spoke through and made it all so clear that the future from here on when it came to my health was probably a one way street, that doctors appointments wouldn’t hold good news, only bad and that I wanted her to be ready to hear it when it arrived, rather than shocked and at a loss as to what it all meant. I also said that I wanted her to feel free to ask anything at any time, about anything, be it the past or what anything medical really means, as time isn’t in our favor and secrets hold no purpose. I told her that I wanted everything in the open in every way as I didn’t want to have to hear that something was a total shock to her as it was the other day.

I think we spoke for about half an hour, and it wasn’t by any means a one way conversation, she had much to add herself, but yes I think it was far more a case of my agenda. She to had actually thought we would somehow have a chat just the two of us, she knows me well enough to know from what I said on Tuesday that when I laid out my brief and to the point description of the consequences of my health, that nothing more was to be said that day, but she guessed Thursday would hold part two. Much of what we spoke of, she had pieced together and fully understood and agreed with. Accepting anyone you love isn’t immortal is never easy and she is having to face up to her Mothers immortality earlier than many, but it was inevitable that day would be sooner rather than later once it was known I had PRMS. Just as Adam had said she had found it somewhat harder not being able to see with her own eyes, just what my health is doing, but even though she has been here twice in a week I still feel she hasn’t. I had made a pact with myself that I wasn’t going to play games or hide how I felt or to cover up even when I was tired, it was a pact that didn’t work. Somehow we all want those we love to see nothing but the best of us, when you live with them, well that isn’t possible, but an act for a few hours is. Protecting those we love, especially our children is something that we do without thought, we are the parent, the person who shines at all times and has to be, the strong one. Being frail, tired and unable to move around, walk with ease and be in control isn’t what we want them to see. I guess in a funny way it is the final thing I really can do for her and that is to make it as easy on her as I can, but in my own stile of honesty and factual belief, but still with the gloss she knows as if I lost that, well then I would really be as ill as others tell me.

We had just reached that point in those heavy conversations in life when one person asks would you like a drink, both take a deep sigh and the subject is changed. The seal on our change of subject was added to as just as I opened the wine, I heard the key in the front door and I knew both Adam and Jon were back, they arrived with a gift of a ninety nine with sprinkles and sauce for Teressa, Adam knows I don’t like ice cream. The rest of the day was much lighter and much more a day of a family together as Tuesday had been, health wasn’t mentioned again and we then chatted about the normal mix of memories and life. I doubt for poor John that this was the way he thought he would spend a 4th of July, I did apologize as all I had to offer was a Chinese meal from a new place we were trying. I know they have only been here two days, but on the side of food I haven’t eaten so much for a long time and from the first mouthful of pizza to right now I have felt nothing but over full. I have known for a long time that meals haven’t suited me but I didn’t actually realise just how little I now need or want to eat, despite looking at me shows the opposite. They left just before 8pm and as much as I had loved every second of them being there, I was exhausted and there wasn’t a muscle that wasn’t screaming at me, even thought I had taken all my meds.

Adam and I talked for a very short while after they left, I wasn’t up to any more than that. It is today thought that is my day of payment, the alarm went off all to early and I was so stiff and in so much pain that it took me ages to actually twist and turn it off. I don’t think I have ever taken that long to find a button and push it, there was a great desire to ignore it as pressing it was all to much and when I eventually did, I wanted to simple go back to sleep. It’s at last safe to stop acting to stop putting on that show, they have gone, soon to be heading back to London and I will recover as I always do, it’s just a matter of time. I love her so much and I even with the truth now all spelt out, I guess I will always do just that little bit more to protect her where I can.