Still waiting

Exhaustion continued to be the over whelming feeling to the whole of yesterday, but when I went for my afternoon sleep I only snoozed and had stupid dreams about knitting a rug. No I don’t know either, for a start you don’t knit rugs, I’m sure there is something there but I can say totally with confidence that I can’t find it.

I am so glad that Teressa and Jon will be back here today, not just so we can spend more time with each other, but I really want to go over things with Teressa about my health as I am not convinced by here happy way of talking about it on Tuesday. As much as it was wonderful to have Christopher here, I did change the dynamics between Teressa and I as although very much welcome in our family, there is a gap of years that will take time to heal further before there can be anything like the friendship there is between the two of us. Although much of her growing up was done in New Zealand with her dad, we never lost the Mother, Daughter bond. Although we joke constantly about our lives mirroring each others by pure chance and how we are the same person in two bodies, the real why we are so close, well who knows, nature or nurture there is no simple answer. I do know that I need very much to talk to her, to go over what is happening with me, but more so, to go over what is happening with her. I can’t actually be sure if that is caring or selfish, there is just this huge need to talk it all through and to see that she understands I am going no where soon, well not in any planned route, either of mine or the doctors.

Yesterday was a day though of what I can only describe as numb and painful at the same time. Physically I was a shadow just going through the actions, not really participating or even feeling as thought I had the energy to. There was no planning behind it, just chance but Adam was out last night again, this time to go to a Bon Jovi concert, something he had been really looking forward to. For me it meant I could wind down for an hour after he left and them just go to bed, this time falling into a deep sleep without any thought or dreams. I don’t know yet if he enjoyed it or not, as well the snores sound the same as normal, not happier or more musical than usual, possibly a little louder, but I can’t be sure.

I guess that the real exhaustion will hit after today’s visit, I am so emotionally ripped apart right now that if I collapsed and had to be scooped into bed I wouldn’t be surprised. I have decided that I will fill in the blanks once everything is back to normal, it is about time I did as I have since Christopher was here for the first time about 14 months ago had a feeling I needed to go over it in the written word. I didn’t do it before as there was something wrong, missing if you like, I suppose more than anything there was a gap there, a feeling that yes we had met but there was no more a bond there than there was before the meeting and I half expected to never see him again. This time, well as I said to Adam last night the difference is that we connected, it wasn’t me just telling him what happened but him remembering what I was saying for himself, he remembered a lot of the bad before but this was remembering the good, the mischief and the funny, remembering the total reality not just glimpses.

I have for the last week been telling me that everything about this week will be positive, that only good can come from all of it, but there is also this part of me that is terrified, even half way through the fear is still there. With my MS having clearly been going downward, it is only realistic of me to worry that the stress and the happiness will set it off moving even quicker. Emotions are like diamond tipped bullets, they will bury themselves deep at that point where they can do the most damage and then explode when it feels right for them. Tuesday night was the first time I found myself sitting on the settee with clear pain in my left lung on every breath. I couldn’t settle it, easy it or ignore it, the pain grabbed more with each breath making me take breaths that I know are just to shallow, but how do you breath deeply when chest just doesn’t want to move? I know also that it was around 6 o’clock that I started to loose it, that I couldn’t find breath with ease and I was shifting around, but it was just the start. With day time my lungs settled and then my legs started all over again, nothing is right and nothing is giving me a chance just now to just sort my life and my family. I really do fear and I hope completely without real reason, that next week is not going to be a good one for me, it is as always just step by step.