Ready for the truth

I’ll be keeping this short today as I have a plan of trying to get some sleep before Teressa arrives, she is going to be here between 2 and 3 pm, so my plan is to finish on here early and then sleep until she phones to say she is in Glasgow and on her way. I tried yesterday to go to bed and sleep for 3hours in the afternoon rather than my normal 2hours, I was hoping that I would then be able to stay up later into the evening. It didn’t work and not only did I land up still in bed at 8:30pm, I spent the entire time from getting up to going back to bed feeling even tireder than ever, I can only guess I went into a deeper sleep and yanking myself out of it when the alarm sounded that I somehow didn’t wake up properly, so I just yearned to be once again lying down and a sleep.

Adam has been really busy cleaning the house up before our visitors arrive, he really does make life hard on himself as I have tired many times to explain to him, but if he just kept it all ticking over the dash for the look of a home always cared for wouldn’t be so hard on him. This is the first time since I haven’t been up to helping with the housework that I have found myself feeling really bad about not being able to assist in any way. It seems that the weaker I get the more I feel bad about it, not logical I know but since when did logic come into how anyone feels. I was sat on the settee yesterday evening watching as he dusted the living room and as he worked we talked, he said something that I hadn’t thought about until then, he said quite rightly that he had noticed as I had that Teressa had taken the latest news really badly. As he said quite correctly with her not seeing me constantly she isn’t so aware of how fast my health is slipping. It was that point that made me realise that Teressa is actually going to find seeing me today tough, even I know there has been a huge change since she was here a couple of months ago. When she was last here she was glowing with excitement, proud to be bringing her husband to meet us and distracted by everything wedding, I doubt very much if she really did pick up on the change in me, as although she was here, her mind was miles away. As all this was forming in my mind, I was aware of just how I was sitting, my right arm tucked behind me pushing my ribs forward as it eases my ability to breath, my breathing would have also been totally visible. Even when I sat forward to my second most common position, hunched over my knees, this time stretching my ribs open for the back, I could hear that my speech is often broken by short breaths all things I doubt she saw just a few months ago. I think Adam is right, she is already taking it badly and today isn’t going to easy this, if anything it will compound it all, but we are here at least to be able to talk it all through with her. I am glad that she is coming her on Thursday as well as this will give us both a chance to recover and then sort out the things that will go unsaid today, I guess there will be many.

We all fool ourselves, build pictures and beliefs that nothing has really changed, it isn’t until you are forced to think about it, to try and see what a visitor may see, that you actually see the truth yourself. I kid myself all the time that I look fine, that most people won’t see anything greatly wrong, to all to often have it crash into pieces when someone point out something I thought no one could possibly see. When I went for my scan on my stomach when they found my gallstones, just after I entered the room sat in a hospital wheelchair the doctor who was going to do the scan asked if I had MS, he said he knew the second I came through the door. I still don’t know how, but I had said nothing done nothing, not even moved in the chair, yet he knew I had MS, clearly it is no longer invisible in any way. I can’t see myself but I can work through what I do and how it must look even if it is something I prefer not to. I am glad Adam made me realise this before she arrives as now I am ready, not to hide but to help her with understanding exactly where my health is and of course where it is going.

It’s going to be an exhausting day, but I am determined to stay awake as long as I can, something I know I often manage when someone is here. Having visitors makes you want to hold to politeness, but more than that it gives me a short term burst of energy, simply because I want to be awake far more than my body can convince me other wise.