I now know that Teressa and John will be here on Tuesday and Thursday, I’m not clear yet at what time as she phoned yesterday afternoon when I was asleep and of course there was no set time. I suppose it is all rather vague right at that second as they are staying with friends and what they are doing when will also have to be part of the equation. So I am just forewarn you all that my posts may be a little broken or short on those days, as I don’t want to exhaust myself before they get here. I really wish that we had somewhere for the two of them to actually stay here, but when we bought the flat the price of property restricted us to just one bedroom, having a spare was too great a luxury. I was about to say if we had just known, but if we had known we would never have bought anything above the ground floor, hindsight is a gift that is cruelly not given to us at the time we truly need it.
Although Adam was supposed to be going out last night he changed his mind and never went. I had long gone to bed before he sent a text to his friends to say that he wasn’t going to be joining them. Through out our marriage I have found it amusing to watch him going through the stages of aging I went through long before him. He has reached that point where going to the pub or a club has little to no appeal, I remember clearly finding myself wishing that my friends would just be happy to meet in a cafe or restaurant, to sit and chat in a quiet environment where not only they could hear you but you could hear them. Even sitting at home with a bottle of wine and few nibbles became vastly more pleasurable and not just to the pocket. He had been talking for the last few days about heading out to see them, something he hasn’t really done for a while now, but this was the first time I found out that his planning was all around me. He at first had made plans to meet after 9pm when I would be asleep, he didn’t want to go out until then, as he would have been leaving me to sit on my own. Not once had we ever discussed it, but it had never actually occurred to me that he would be thinking that way. We had discussed before how much I enjoy just spending time with him, and he had already realised that my never seeing anyone else, had changed his importance in my daily life, far above that of a normal couple, but still I hadn’t thought it would mean he wouldn’t go out until I was asleep. Everyone once married of course plan their days and activities taking their partners into account, but this felt somewhat different to me, it felt as thought rightly or wrongly my position in his thought process had become a little miss lined. Out of love, he has taken on a responsibility for me that as adorable as it is, isn’t required yet. I know form the fact that he phones when he is at work, and asks questions in several different ways to ensure that I am really OK not just saying it. Should he have the opportunity to do overtime, he has to ask me 5 times at least if it is OK with me and will I be OK without him.
We both know that the time will come when I will need his help far more than I do right now. I am under no illusion that I will be able to do even the little I do now, but I am also fearlessly independent and will continue to do it probably past the point that I can manage, a trait of my personality that may be the reason he will ask and ask again. I totally adore him for the way he is managing to keep himself and me together through all of this, not just as a couple but also on the physiological level. I know it must be incredibly difficult at times, but I want his independence, as much as I want mine, for as long as possible for both our sakes,preserving our individuality and sanity. I would have to be the coldest most selfish person on this planet to be just sitting here soaking in his dedication to my life, but for him as much as for me, I don’t what him tied so tightly to me that neither of us then have any sight of the rest of the world. From the day we started to live together and it became clear to both of us that marriage was the most logical and loving step, I did what came naturally for me, to plan his feelings and movements into every little thing I did, from what we had for dinner, to making a home for both of us to love and be happy in. I was the nest builder, the constant one preening and polishing so everything was perfect, but I did nothing without putting him first. His way of thinking and acting was different but no less intense, both of us couldn’t have been happier than we were with our roles and identity. Now because of my health, he is the nest builder, the forager and carer, his place and my place have changed and we have grown into our new roles, sometimes with great resistance and others with the speed of necessity. I have seen him grow and change and adapt, as I have shrunk and altered and failed. For now there is still time for both of us to be independent, even if it is only for a few hours or for minor reasons. Life is full of change and full of growth and developments, although the next steps in both of ours are that bit clearer than we would like, there is still time to grow and enjoy, still time for freedom and love.
Adam may have forbidden me from feeling guilty, but that is a command that I can adhere to as long as he is still living and not just as a carer but as my husband, as part of the wider world and allowing himself to do what is natural, to grow, not to be stifeld by perceived responsibility.