Today started with an unexpected bonus, Adam had read my blog from yesterday and without saying anything made a rather sleepy and squinted eyed journey across the living room to give me a kiss. He wanted to appologise for the snipping and impatience. I didn’t write it to get such a reaction, I wrote because I wanted to show what can happen so easily when one person in a relationship lives such an opposite life from the other half. It didn’t occur until this morning that Adam and others would interpret some of what I write, as being directed totally at him, in fact it is very much the opposite. All to often I find that I either leave things out, or adjust them before writing so that I don’t upset or worry him unnecessarily. It is a hard balance to get right, often yes I do put things in here rather than talk about them, constantly talking about how you feel is a recipe to incredibly dull conversation as I said yesterday, so writing it conveys the message well and in a way that means he has all the detail and time to think it through without flying into a panic. Adam is a pessimist and there is no way of avoiding him going straight to worst case scenario, but if I am asleep, which I most often am when he reads, he then has all the details there to read through all there is to know, avoiding a lot of the time him deciding that my death is just hours away.
It can be really hard to know how much to say to those you love about your health, I know many would say that you have to share all of the information, they are your partner and have a right to know, but do they really? I suppose partly because of my personal history of spending most of my life unsupported by parents or partner, I have developed into dealing with my health by myself. Through most of my life I haven’t had people who I could or would have mentioned any of it to, I would simply have gone to the doctors or even a hospital appointment by myself and unannounced. Depending on the outcome I may or may not have then spoken about it. So now being with a man who feels he should know every detail, is still a bit odd to me. I don’t hide or hold back anything intentionally or for any reason other than it just doesn’t occur to me to say anything. If you then add on my wonderful memory that can forget anything and everything, well I’m sure you can see the problem.
What you say and what you don’t say, can all to often be the wrong thing for no other reason than as I said your history. I guess only those who met as children and have been together ever since stand the slightest chance of know exactly how and what to say. Illness brings up so many issues that it is almost impossible to be able to get it right all the time, but we try and there is no more than that we can do. I suppose that having a chronic illness is like many other things in life, it is hard to know if it is easier to deal with by yourself or if it is easier to have someone to share the burden with. It is also one of those questions that is impossible to really answer, no one can really experience both sides of that question. There is no doubt in my mind that once you are housebound a partner or spouse is the greatest gift there is as they are your world. But having said that, well there are always times you would rather they weren’t there, somethings are so embracing that being alone would be preferable at those points. The guilt factor is always unavoidable as well, no matter how often they tell you not to feel guilty, it is unavoidable. Life is never a straight forward equation with one clear answer, I suppose that is part of the fun of it, you never know what way anything will eventually play out.
Love is clearly the greatest pleasure but it can also be the greatest burden. When you are in love it is all to easy to be hurt by those you love, there is so much of life that is out of anyone’s control and so much that can do nothing else but hurt. Illness has to be the cruelest, as it takes almost everything from both of you and gives back very little, but what it does give back is cruller still, it brings you closer together and the more you love, the more it will hurts.