I am having fun this morning with a new keyboard, I had to buy one as the the space bar was either sticking or not working at all. As you can imagine there is no worse key to have such a problem with, it was totally my own fault that I had killed the old one, it was a victim of my health. Living in the same place day in day out, including eating my meals sat in this very spot, it is almost impossible for food to not fall on the keyboard. So I searched on Ebay and I found there were loads from different sellers all for around £5 including P&P, so I bought one for the sake of my sanity. I was always under the impression that QWERTY keyboards were all meant to be the same, so I went ahead and bought one. It turns out I was wrong about the QWERTY thing, there are some differences and they are small and annoying! I have touch typed for years, the only time I had problems in the past was when I couldn’t use my left hand, but as it returned I still had issues for a long time because I wasn’t sure where my hand was exactly, lack of nerve sensations often has this effect. I do still have some problems depending on how I feel on the day, when I’m not at my best then I start again loosing exact placements of my fingers, so a lot of deleting goes on. Yesterday the new keyboard arrived and I unpacked it, seeing no difference I unplugged the old one and set up the new one, a 5 second job. It wasn’t until I was typing beyond two or three word answers on twitter, that I suddenly discovered that a couple of keys had changed places! The back space key is now smaller, down to a normal key size rather than a bar key size, and they have add in on that level the hash key. I have lost count of the number of hash tags that have appeared in front of my eyes, I guess it will take just a few days for me to settle this into my mind but until then the air around me may be just a little blue. Silly things like this bug everyone but when you have any condition that effects your mind, well small things often matter more than you can imagine.
As arranged Jake came round to collect his cymbal and spent the majority of the hour he was here talking about his drum kit, not just for my sanity but for his as well, I really hope that he finds a job soon! I don’t think that he really knew how hard it is out there right now for someone in their 40’s to find a job, especially when he has it in his head to change career as well. I guess in someways that I was luck to have been made redundant after I was already housebound, as to be honest finding a new position in your 50’s is even harder. I am also lucky to be housebound as it means I received without any battle the full disability payments. The money isn’t fantastic but it is enough to manage on, at least as long as the interest rates stays as they are, I don’t know how well things would tick over if the mortgage suddenly went up! One of the issues that everyone has once they have a chronic illness is money, I was lucky in having a good company who adjusted my work so that I could continue to bring in a good living, but to many companies just couldn’t care less, seeing it totally as not their problem. Governments can make as many rules about employment as they like, there are always ways round them, believe me I know that one all to well, it was all to often my job to find reasons and ways to get rid of unwanted staff legally. Finances are an issue so huge that I haven’t tackled it in this blog at all really, well they rules and available help continually change in this country and I am totally clueless to the laws in other countries. From what I have learned though, I am so grateful to have been born in Britain. What we get isn’t great but compared to other places around the world, well we are very very lucky!
The last couple of days have been like all the rest in the last seven or so, a daytime spent wishing I was asleep as then I wouldn’t have to fight to stay awake enough to complete my list of todo’s. Spending your life wishing to be awake seems to be my eternal problem, I say eternal but it has only been this bad in the last 5 months or so. I really can’t remember a day now where I haven’t been tired all day long, the only relief being to actually be asleep. I used to note daily the pain levels that I have, where that pain is and what it is doing, but sleep has over taken that. I actually think last night when I stood to a searing spasm down my spine and into my legs, must be the worst I have had for days, but then again I can’t be sure. Pain has become one of those things that is always there and only when I analyse it do I really pay enough attention to it. A few months ago it was my over riding issue, day in day out, I don’t actually think that it has lessened in any way, it has simply slid down on my list of things that I wish removed the most. Right now I have pain in my legs, my chest and backside, but over all is this desire to just sleep.
I have been thinking about what the doctor said about my chest the other day, he said that the sensation I now have through out my rib cage of it being tight and under some sort of pressure, as a mechanical problem with the intercostal muscles. It isn’t like the MS hug that I have documented before, that is far more painful, this is more of a discomfort, but what he said didn’t at first make sense on one of the issues connected to it. As you know I have continually said that it feels as thought something is pushing outwards in my lower ribs, I could only compare it to when I was pregnant and the baby would get caught there until I pushed it away from them. What I am wondering is if the muscles have tightened and then freezes in that position, when I lean forwards slightly could the lower ribs actually be pushing into my stomach, guts and so on. If they were working normally I would expect them to flex to permit that position, but with them locked and fixed, I then get the feeling of pressure. It is like many things that when your body works normally you pay no attention, so I don’t know if I have this correct, as it is over a year since my ribs managed one full day of acting normally, I simply can’t remember, but can you help with that question at all?
It is so stupid the way we totally ignore our bodies until they do something we don’t expect. What is normal, how have we been breathing, walking, sleeping or a million of other things that we do from birth onwards? None of us can actually answer any of those questions because we don’t pay attention! We don’t pay attention at all until it does something to the extreme, then and only then do we notice, but if it continues at the extreme for a long period of time that becomes the normal and our true reference is gone! How I long for the ‘Star Trek’ solution of a scanner that hold all your personal data, that knows exactly what is normal and can spot the change instantly, a twice a year scan would change everything for everybody. Until that day we have to rely on what is probably the most inaccurate recording system we have, our brains. I so wish that I had somewhere just a base line that I could really compare anything to.