12 hrs and counting

It happened! That thing I’ve skirted round and feared to write as it might have been the last bit of temptation required for my body to make it happen, yet with no invitation at all I crashed last night at 7:45! I didn’t wake again until the alarm clock demanded that I paid it some attention, 12 hours of sleep strangely feel identical to 8 or 10, or even my average of just 6 that I used to work on. I wouldn’t mind if sleeping made me feel better, believe me I would stay there for several days in a row, if it meant that I would have one complete day of just feeling well. Although I moan about sleeping and I often feel guilty about it as I do realise that it is actually a blessing for most people with MS to sleep well at all. But it’s kind of odd to be thankful for any illness, yet strangely I am, if I had to have MS I would choose to add on Fibro, they may make my life hellish at times when awake but the combination I have to say is a gift, an odd one yes, but still something to be thankful for.

Since I have now actually reached the 12 hours straight at night with no difficulty, I am left wondering just how far this can go. Like so many things that in my heart I believed just wasn’t possible for an person to do without medical assistance, it has sparked those follow on questions. I’m sure you don’t need me to spell then out, but this is one of the strange side interests that illness brings with it, what is it actually possible for my body to do? I think from long before I was diagnosed with any of the conditions that I share my life with, I had already begun to be surprised by what my own did for no reason at all. For years I had spells of sleeping large numbers of hours, hard to deal with when there is a toddler in your home, but they happened. As did the sections of pains, and numbness that drove me made, wore me down and landed me up being treated for depression. The strange thing was that I always felt better when I was prescribed Amitriptyline, the drug of choice in those days for depression, now the drug of choice for nerve pain. I was never convinced I was depressed but when I said I was exhausted and just couldn’t cope with life, I was told I was depressed. Now I know it was Fibro and MS in their early phases, the treatments I was given accidentally was the right one, but that was luck and luck only.

The year Jeffrey was born I remember having several period of having problems dropping things, my hands just not working properly. I had a lot of time on my hands in those first 3 yrs of marriage, waiting for my job of being a mother to actually begin. I used those long hours to make clothes for my as yet not born family, I knitted, sowed and crocheted, but I would all to often be unable to manage at all, diagnosis of medics, was arthritis, an interesting one as there was no swelling or redness to my joints, but there I was with hands that didn’t work. I also remember my left leg would often go dead, not when I was sat down or asleep, it would just go from under me, diagnosis sciatica, but no shooting pain down the back or my leg? I even went blind in one eye for about 4hrs, I was in hospital at the time and one Dr came to see me, she just told me to sit still and see if it went away, it did, but no more attention was paid to it. Now 30 odd years from those small starting points, I now can’t think of one part of my body that actually hasn’t manage to make itself known through pain or hasn’t manage to do something I just didn’t think it could do. I had this mad idea when I was a kid that my body was here to carry me around and allow me to do the great things in life that I knew were out there to enjoy, now, well it has become an amazing place to be on it’s own, I doubt that it will ever not be a surprising place to be as it comes up with even more unexpected events to enjoy or not.

Progression means that those events in my life are getting closer and closer together, and their affects are more intense. Now I can’t think of a single day that I could list as unaffected, or uneventful in what my body throws at me to deal with. I am now feeling and noticing the progressive side of all of this more and more, I have passed that tilt point I suppose, the point where there are no longer breaks in anything they just keep going and slowly getting worse. Where I used to have the odd spells of numbness somewhere in my body, now I always have some point that is numb, there is never a moment I am aware of when there is nothing numb at all, the same goes for all the other symptoms as well, they are no there all the time. Probably this is why the gift of sleep, although annoying as hell as it reduces my life dramatically, has proved itself to be a true gift, sleep is a wonderful relief from it all.