Redefining myself

Making my mind up yesterday to go with what I have to seems to have made a difference, it wasn’t a cure, but by cutting what I put out on twitter and not trying to force myself to write what had no chance of being completed, meant that I slept better in the afternoon and I had time to play some silly games, something that used to be a passion of mine. I have noticed through out my life that once you give yourself permission to do, or not do something, is all it takes to change your feelings towards everything. It has to be a true declaration not a silly thought in the back of your head, but a clear and determined statement that as of this minute this or that changes. If you can make that declaration o another person it works even better, as making it to yourself always gives you a way out, no one knows so you can change it. Just like stopping smoking, you have to tell everyone and have everyone there to keep you in line, declarations of changing your life are just the same, you can’t do them totally alone, you have to have others around you to tell you off, to stop you and correct you until it becomes second nature. But the biggest reason it works is because you stop worrying about it, you no longer have to work it out, find away round it or even yet another solution, the decision has been made. With my mind at rest yesterdays nap was instant sleep and a deep sleep until the alarm woke me up.

We are always the worst people for making our own lives hell, we are the ones who never seem to think we are doing things the best way, that those around us expect so much more from us when they don’t, and that we have to be everything to everyone, except ourselves. None of that stops when we are ill, and in a funny way it gets worse. I know that simply because I was constantly at home, even when I was working from here, I pushed myself to keep cooking and cleaning, to do more than I did when I was working from the office. I had this feeling that I had to do more, the very fact that I am here in the house is enough to make me want to do what I simply can’t. It’s now 12 years since my diagnosis but the acceptance that each year has changed my abilities, never seems to get any easier. I don’t know what I really expected, but looking back I know it isn’t what happened. I guess I thought it would be more a case of a crisis removing something, adjusting and then another crises, jump downs rather than a slope. I guess that has more to do with they type of MS I have, being told you have Progressive Relapsing MS lays out that image. I expected those relapses without recovery as how it would progress, not thing mix of slow slope and relapses muddled up together. None of this is really made clear to you, it is as thought you are alone waiting to see what happens next, with no impressions or expectations of what that will be.

So I have given myself this permission to not complete my list of daily goals, but only if it is exhaustion that is stopping me. I no longer have to do it all everyday, and I don’t have to do any of it in any set timescale, if I honestly can’t do it. It does sound a little like I have thrown out all that I have worked on in the last few years, as my way to cope with all of this, I haven’t. My goals are still there to be achieved, I still believe that is essential. They supply me with the structure I need to stay sane, but what has changed is I have removed all the time slots, I no longer have to be able to write this in 50 minutes, if I don’t I will not start to mentally chastise myself over it. Time has to be more elastic and if somethings aren’t done at all, well I’m sorry but that is just the way it is for this 24hr time slot. But my days will still start the same way so this post should still be here daily, some days they will be shorter, but still here.

I can see now just how easy it is to keep putting more and more stress on to ourselves, no one made any demands on my since I stopped working, just me. I think coasting is going to be good for me for a while, a chance to recharge and reset.