I often find I write not remembering that everyone doesn’t know me as a friend who visits my home, so when I wrote the other day about the possibility of some sort of alarm system, I omitted to say that moving around with a mobile in my pocket isn’t an option at all, well not unless I intend to spend my entire life 6 inches from the front window of my living room. There is something odd about living here which we didn’t discover until after we had bought and moved in to the place. We are in some sort of black hole in the world of communications. I don’t know about the new digital free channels but without sky we had no TV and no ones mobiles worked at all, regardless of network. We tried to get it fixed but every agency we contacted confirmed that we didn’t exist to the signal system, being down at the lowest point for miles, and surrounded by high trees, we are clocked. With the new signals, and improvements from the mobile companies, you can now actually stand 4 feet in from the front, but still no further. I do already have walk about phones, with one in each room except the bathroom, but I find them really big and difficult to use. The big bit is good as I can see the numbers, but the bad bit is everything is on strange little menus, that work from fiddly side buttons and lack all forms of logic I have ever discovered, hence the post as to what to do. Why are the so called simplest things, always the most difficult?
On Sunday Adam managed to sort out the electrics so that the delivery men who brought the mattress elevator could return and fit it for me, so I phoned expecting it to be straight forward, why I thought that I have no idea. The call started with a huge list of phone options, which not one matched the reason for my calling, option 9 eventually appeared and it was the one I seem to always need, “any other reason”. A young sounding girl answered promptly but couldn’t seem to grasp that it wasn’t fitted when they were here, but once we eventually got past that point she then told me that she had to contact the OT and get them to put a note on their system before they could come back out and do this. So it could be ages before anything happens, as when ever the interaction of different departments is required, nothing ever seems to work with any fluidity.
I have become really aware in the last few weeks that I am slowing down in so many ways, having cut out two blogs from my day and reducing my twitter activity, I am getting thing completed a little earlier yes, but not with the huge amount of time I had expected. All the changes have found me with less than an hours free time, it would now be impossible for me to fit everything back in again, I would need a free 3 to 4 hours, which I don’t have. I know also that I have continually written about the amount of time I sleep and the little time I have to do anything not surrounding my PC, especially the diminishing time that I have to spend with Adam. No matter how I look at this, or how I try to sort myself and my routines out, or how fast I try to make myself move, or even try to work more efficiently it has all failed. It is all coming down to me, not how I work but what I have inside myself to give, as in energy to share if you like. I still have as much as ever inside my head and heart to continue sharing for years, but my actual energy to get all of that out and into words for others, well that is what is failing.
I feel almost as though I am in the transition to a new phase of all of this illness muddle. As I tried to explain yesterday there seems to be steps, as each one is taken there are adjustments that happen outwith our control or conscious thought, we let go of friends, as we don’t have the energy to give to them. It is a little like nature knows the way these things work and there is a balance through out that takes away the pain and allows the steps to happen. My body and nature have taken the steps to get it through to me that I am slowing down, that this is the time to accept that sleep has to be taken, be it an hour or 14hrs, if I sleep then clearly I have to. Physically and mentally I can’t keep up with what I want to do, but when I stop, I sleep, if I fight against it I become exhausted and suffer for my stupidity of fighting against it, nature is forcing these points and I guess that is just where I am now. Like everything else I can’t say if this is it for ever, or if this is it for just now, but the weeks are starting to add up and nothing is showing a change on the upside.
My world, my life is slowing down and nothing will speed it up, or give me back what has vanished, I guess I just have to accept it. I will check, try things and see what happens, I’m not writing anything off, but I think that I have to start facing facts and accepting them.