When the phone rang at lunchtime yesterday I knew before I answered it that all I was going to hear was Adam in a tizz, convinced that I would have fallen over a dozen times and that he was going to have to come home and look after me. It actually went as far a him talking himself into having to give up work and staying at home every day just to keep an eye on me. When he was finished, I then told him that I was firstly fine and secondly hadn’t fallen over once, not ever thought at any point that I might even fall again. It took a further 5 minutes to assure him that we where miles away for even having to think about that possibility and that I would tell him when or if I needed him or a carer with me for extended periods of time. Even when we hung up I knew that he wasn’t convinced in any way by what I had said, in his mind my existence is like that of a fragile butterfly with life taking swipes at it randomly, with it just being a matter of time before those swipes change both our lives again for ever. To an extent there is a lot of truth in his fears, as that paints a reasonably accurate scenario of the one that locked me in at home, but at this moment although things are slipping I still feel able and I still feel strong enough as a person to keep life as is.
I have spent many many hours looking at our future and no matter what version other than just simply keeling over and dieing from a heart attack or stroke, there will be a time when both of us will be here and Adam will truly become my carer. It isn’t a time I really want to think about, as the whole of idea of Adam becoming my nurse just doesn’t sit well in my mind. I married him because I love him and I wanted to spend my life with him as my husband, I didn’t marry him so I had a replacement body, waiting to take over. I know his concern is a clear sign of just how much he loves me and I appreciate that and in short spurts it is truly endearing. I expect that almost all people in my position must have this guilt feeling, one that is totally understandable, but one that is totally inescapable. None of us, especially those who have been wildly independent through the bulk of their lives, like to feel we will ever be a burden on anyone else. I guess it is that independence bit that makes it so hard, not just because it will mean I am anything but, but more so that I will have stolen Adams independence, that is the bit that hurts. I so enjoyed and relished the fact I was able to be totally self sufficient, that I could earn a living, have a life I enjoyed and was able to say yes to Adam proposal, knowing I was marrying him totally because I loved him, there was no other reason to do so, I didn’t require someone else to be my provider. Now suddenly I am facing a time in my life when I will finally have no independence, eventually someone will be getting me up in the morning, showering me, dressing me, toileting me, feeding me, helping me to do the tiniest thing and I don’t want any of that, especially not from the person I married because I loved and had the total freedom to do so, but worse than all that I will be totally destroying his freedom, stealing every bit of it, bit by bit.
Chronic illness is ugly, ugly in ever way possible as all it does is destroy the sufferer and those who love them. I can deal with my illness, I can’t deal with my illness destroying anyone but me. I don’t think I am anyway unusual in this, as I said already I expect that everything I have said here will be universal. I have often thought that it might in a funny way be easier to deal with how I am, if I were on my own, but one of my flaws appear, I get selfish, as I know I couldn’t bare to be without Adam. So I say it now, I’m sorry for that, it’s mad how the most wonderful giving thing in our lives, love, can actually make you the most needy, clingy, leach and all without your permission.
Adam had an hours over time last night but when he came home the first thing he did was rush into the living room to ensure I was OK, he said he had spent his overtime worrying that I was lying on the floor bleeding to death or something equally horrid. On finding I wasn’t he them let loose with a barrage of questions of all the possible things that might have happened when he wasn’t here. He was wound up and blamed me for not telling him earlier last night rather than just as I went to bed, as I explained to him I told him then because that was when he asked what was wrong. Clearly he had spent the day running scenarios beyond any reason, even with the limited information he thought he had, in fact he had it all there had been no more for me to tell him. Eventually the questions stopped and I heard a soft snore, he was content again. Each time he snapped back awake again he checked all was OK, but remained slouched on the small settee not fully changed from his work clothes but in no hurry to complete the change.
I think it took most of the evening for him to forgive me for my falls and for not telling him when they happen, I wonder why I don’t tell him when these things occur. Panic calmed we spent the remaining hour or so in normal conversation right up until he followed me to the bedroom and settled me into bed. I guess I will have an escort for a while. LOL It’s a good job I love him anyone, else would be going nuts if they didn’t. My night time conclusions brought me no further on as to why I feel so weak, my legs still this morning, not when I touch them but in their rested state, have a heaviness, a numb almost solid, dead feel to them. Clearly something has happened but what and why, your guess is as good as mine, not even Google couldn’t come up with any reasonable guesses before I signed off last night, nor again this morning. I guess as I said yesterday it is a wait and see, just like so much of your life becomes when a totally self obsessed illness takes hold of you. Uncaringly it will rule your life, all you can reasonably do it work with it, but reasonable is not something I am good at when something is attaching the person I love, the one I want to protect, to take care of and to give a happy life to. Attack me all you want but please stop attacking my husband.