Yesterday I took a tumble, not a serious one, I just went over as I was heading across the hall to the bathroom, one second I was walking the next I was twisting and pulling muscles as the floor was suddenly under my shoulder. In truth like most falls, I wasn’t hurt, I was more stunned than anything else, but I couldn’t get up, there was no strength as there hasn’t been for months in my legs and up was a complex arrangement of limbs that just wouldn’t happen. I crawled my way back into the living-room where the settee supplied the variations of levels required to be able to once again place my feet under me, and on to them once more. I swiftly checked myself over, yes my shoulders and thighs were clearly aching as they had been strained in my attempts, to not fall at all, one day I might learn that falling is going to happen and hitting the floor is inevitable, so why fight the process.
This was my second fall in just two days, but on Monday I fell onto the bed, so hardly a fall at all, more a crash into the mattress. So why am I bothering to mention this one, well this on is different, notably so. I felt it straight away, I just didn’t feel right, I wasn’t comfortable to be standing, there was a discomfort, a sensation that I had suddenly become weak. Weak or not, I had to complete the journey that was interrupted and I wasn’t being allowed time to sort out what was going on. I’m still trying to sort that one out, right now over 30 hrs later I don’t honestly understand any of this at all. There is a weakness through out me and reluctance to go anywhere, not because I am scarred of falling again, I lost that fear long ago, falling is just a part of my life and there is no way of stopping it from happening, I live, I fall, fact. No this is different, I just can’t get past or away from this terrible sensation that I don’t have the strength to do anything that requires my moving from where I am. Clearly my legs are a huge part of the problem, yes my arms still ache, when you throw them out searching for something to grab hold of, well you will put a stain on the muscles, but my legs feel that way and more. I can stand, and I can walk, but this feeling that my legs can’t do this any more, is probably the best way of putting it. That growing weakness that I have mentioned over the months has changed, it has suddenly magnified greatly.
Last night once I was settled on the settee I had no desire to move again at all, I just wanted to sit, to do nothing and just be. Adam new there was something up so I told him, something I rarely do as he is inclined to turn it into something far more than it ever was, and of course he did. I of course even had a escort into the bedroom when I went to bed, and I was tucked in before he left the room. Lately I have been content to find myself lying down with my body encased by the duvet, well last night I was delighted to be there, the comfort was magnified just as the weakness was. Bed is always where I analyse things, where I run through the day and evaluate the days events, try as I might though I couldn’t see why one small uneventful tumble, where I hadn’t hit my head or ripped my skin, should have had such a profound effect. Once more this morning I struggled to lift myself from the mattress, but I also had trouble, swinging myself round and up onto my feet, from the second I woke I was aware again that I was weak and I had damaged muscles to move.
All of this maybe nothing more than I have pulled and strained myself more than normal, although I really don’t know how or why that would be, but there is a much deeper feeling that I can’t get into my words. I keep rereading, but the strength of this sensation of weakness just isn’t here. It is almost as though my muscle memory has been damaged, that every signal that is sent back and forward for any action has be dampened, that they are some how now warning me constantly that they aren’t there as they once were, as if they have suddenly aged. The rest of me is continuing around all of this unchanged and unaffected in any way, in itself making me even more aware of the difference that I feel both yesterday and today. So today, today I will respect their warnings, there remindance that moving should be restricted to the required rather than the desired, a little nurturing never did any harm, that coming from the person who normally listens to her body then does what she wants rather than what it will allow. Time usually brings the answers and understanding so I shall wait.