More or less it’s still the same

Another day without another single dollar, or UK pound, but that doesn’t run so easily off the tongue. I had a search online yesterday afternoon once again to see if I could find the cushion I need which although the NHS gave me the original, now appears to be impossible to acquire from them at all. I did look several months ago to find at that time that there were many different styles but all with a price tag of over £150+, with so many variations it could be a very expensive way to finding the right one. My search this time has brought up a few more and at a price which is still a lot out of a tight budget, but coming in around £40, if I can get one that works, it is worth the cost. I am going to do a little more investigation and see what I can find. These are the sort of things I just haven’t been able to fit into my days, not being able to fit in a second of anything that isn’t on my daily schedule, well it has had knock on effects, with my sleep needs nibbling into any time I used to have.

I know that finances are something that almost everyone who is disabled to the point they can no longer work, find a huge problem, to the extent that they actually make their health worse. When I was first made redundant 18mths ago I was terrified about how we would cope, yes Adam is still working my the NHS aren’t the greatest payers in the world at the level Adam is, but between what he brings home and what I receive in benefits, we are managing far better than I ever thought we would. Admittedly there have been moments of luck, like Teressa’s wedding happening when we had just had the 2 months of the year without council tax, meaning we could buy her the present she wanted. Little things coming along when least expected, like the only ever win in my life from my premium bonds, just a tiny amount but along with cheques received as Christmas present covering the cost of Adam and I being able to have a good Christmas ourselves. But the things I feared, like how to pay the mortgage, well they have all been covered and we haven’t starved yet. Planning and being careful where money goes, so far means we are on the right side of the bank balance, I haven’t seen the electric bill yet for this winter, but they did read the meter last week, so it won’t be long before I do. What the government gives us isn’t a huge amount but it is livable, not like the picture I see on TV week after week, I can only guess that at the reasons why, mainly the fact I can’t get out of here to spend it, mind you if I could, I wouldn’t be receiving it. I know 18mths is a very short period of time, and that picture may well change in the future, but so far so good.

There is never the perfect time in anyone’s life for any one to become housebound, but I guess this probably is the best time for it to happen if it had to. I had the gradual slip into it as I did work for three years from home before I was forced into stopping. The redundancy payment meant that a chunk of our mortgage was easy to pay off, lowering the monthly payments. If I had just been forced to stop working due to my health without that lump sum, well it would have been so much worse. Even the possibility of the interest levels being higher would have totally change our chances of maintaining any payment on the mortgage. In a funny way the worlds misfortune of the financial crash actually worked in my favor rather than adding to the problems, as it has to many. I have often thought while sitting here how things could have turned out with just small things happening at slightly different times, and their knock on effects which would have followed, not once have I actually been able to come up with a better scenario, other than for it never to have happened at all. What if’s and buts change nothing, but somehow knowing that you are in the best possible version, well it does help to make you feel better about it all.

Like millions of others I dream of winning the lottery and what it would mean to my life, I guess I am one of those that in many way’s it would really change my life. Yes I might be living in a bigger, bungalow style home, with luxuries around me, but nothing else would really change. Having money doesn’t bring your health back, I wouldn’t be jet setting or partying, I wouldn’t be dining in the best restaurants, going to the theater or any of the things people dream of in their millionaire life styles. Yes I could have people around to help me, to clean our home and cook our meals, but the real facts of my life, being housebound and in pain, would be just the same. My world might move from my beloved flat, to a more spacious and better designed house, but it’s essence would remain just as they are. That’s one of the real downers of disability, you can’t change it, it is what it is and it will always be. Lack of money or money to throw around at anything and everything, the results will remain the same, all that changes is the bank balance.