Right I need to give myself a chance of getting back on track even slightly and the only way I can do that is to change things and see how things go, so from today until further notice, Touching Space will only have a new entry if I really feel up to it. In the last few weeks just writing those posts have been taking more and more time daily, once so far behind and with no chance of catching up I have been hitting myself over the head every few minutes because I can’t catch up. By putting it into a new category of “if I can” seems a more realistic way of doing things, this blog was always the reason for being on line and it has slowly been squeezed by everything else, no longer, this is back as my focus!
When Adam had phoned my yesterday lunchtime I nearly burst into tears, I felt so weighed down by everything including just thinking that talking again, as Jake phoned half an hour earlier, that I was sat there holding in the tears, and he knew it. I had every intention of just talking to him last night when he came in but once again I was sat there saying nothing. It wasn’t that I wasn’t trying, but every time I managed to formulate the start of my sentence far enough that it could talk, either Adam spoke or the TV would break my concentration with something of interest. So there I was once again sat there, looking towards the TV, knowing that I wanted to talk but once again without any words. That is how things are just now, in seconds I can be completely lost and doing anything but the thing I thought of minutes before. At first when he arrived home I could see he was tired from his days work, so much so that his normal sound within 10 minutes of saying hello, was the standard gentle snore, from the small settee where he settles each evening to take of his shoes. He snoozed for about an hour, before showing any real signs of life other than aggravated grunts in disapproval of what the TV presenter was saying. So there we were, sat side by side and like millions of couples making small talk but actually saying nothing at all of any importance, or relevance to their lives.
What I wanted to say went once more unsaid. It all to often does lately as if I can’t get that first sentence together, I know I have no hope of getting beyond it. That first sentence sets the rules of the conversation, a clear subject to discuss and the tone of importance, no sentence and all that happens lately is he tries to finish it for me or get’s angry and tries to take control of the discussion even though I was the one who started it, by saying what I was trying to say back at me as though he thought of it first and my words don’t matter. Without that clear sentence I knew what would happen again and I didn’t want that. Each time I became distracted it would take several minutes to focus again as the distraction wipes my mind totally, it’s not like he can say something and I could then try again straight away, that distraction leaves me with nothing, absolutely nothing to say.
One of the things I wanted to talk over I managed to start but then we danced round it, neither I think comfortable to talk about it at all. Each evening lately I have been going to bed earlier, usually because Adam has gone for his shower, it normally takes him ages in there, so the point of me sitting alone on the settee whilst he is showering, when I am so tired is nuts, so I take the opportunity to go to bed. Other evenings if I have taken the lead to go to bed, he shoots straight into the shower. The result is this strange feeling that we both have our own plans and wishes, but we are dancing around, not wanting to be the one who ends the short time together, but not saying anything about it either. Without Adam beside me, I instantly go to bed, without me beside Adam he fly’s into the shower then makes his dinner. The whole situation is really odd and really awkward, I can’t see that changing unless we talk because at this second I can do little about my tiredness, or the feeling that there is something wrong between us. I know that he can’t do anything about any of what is wrong with me, but it all feels to be moving so fast just now and we have spoken about none of it.
I haven’t been able to have a shower so far this week as I just don’t have the energy. My concentration has turned in to sludge that sucks me down into puddles I have trouble pulling myself back out of. I am so confused by everything, things aren’t where they should be, or I can’t remember where that is, what next will vanish in plain sight. My schedules and routines have turned into blancmange sliding around and covering some from my sight. Pain is rushing into areas that pain doesn’t normally go. Muscles are getting worse and worse in the way that they work, or should I start to say don’t work. Nothing is as it was a few months ago, nothing feels right at all, but I don’t know what to do, well when you forget all the time, well what do you do when you don’t remember what wrong. What next?
I withdrew to my bed at 8:30 as I was sat there with my eye balls burning from the need to sleep. I went to sleep that quickly that I remember him going into the bathroom but I don’t remember the shower going on, clearly I was out of it. Another night gone and another morning where I am sat here kicking myself every few seconds as I can’t concentrate, the beauty here is I can read back my thoughts. The pain on the right side of my ribcage is bad today, ever movement of my right arm triggers a spin from half way down my chest up through my armpit and down into the top of my arm on the inside. One of my list of ‘why’ pains. I don’t like why pain, I like pains that make sense and fit into neat patterns. Like the one under my lower ribs on the right, gallstones there and hurting as usual, nice pain, I know what it is! Until a last year all the pain I lives with seemed to be settled firmly in my limbs, but now I get almost as much from my upper torso as anywhere else. I knew it was possible but I didn’t think it could be this constant and this bad. I don’t know how much I have managed to write down what has been touched on in a muddled measures in the last few days, I hope I have managed to make them clearer. I bet I come up with something else once I close this post for today, lets see.