I have found myself a new distraction, a reason not to do. The photo’s of Teressa’s wedding. I just can’t stop looking at them, they really do fill me with so many mixed emotions, having not been there I have a lot of sadness still that I wasn’t there to share her day, but I also feel tremendous pride and love for her. How could any Mum not be proud of having such a beautiful daughter? I had already enough things to distract me without another else, at least this one puts a huge smile on my face every time I stop to look again.
Yesterday was another strange one where I felt all day, as though I just wasn’t in control of anything including myself. I was constantly drifting into other places, all so far away from reality that I was loosing any ability to complete what I was doing my set out expected times. I know that sounds as though I live an extremely regimented life, but to date having a routine and scheduled to hold to, has proved to be the best way for me to deal with life. It is that very scheduled that is now working against me, looking at it all the time to only see that I am behind is pulling me down. I know that I am being hard on myself, does it really matter if I am 2 hours behind at the end of the day, all I want to achieve, is ticked off and complete. But it is the 2 hours I have lost that is the frustration! I now have little to no time to do anything else. Getting to the end of the list is accomplished just as Adam gets home and I am exhausted again. Yes I have had my nap, but I am not having time to relax just playing a game or surfing for no reason. Just like having a job, we all need that gap, the place that is ours alone, a reset zone, before we are ready to be with those we love and being able to enjoy that time. Right now I’m not getting any of that. I know the problem, but I can’t find the answer. If I had a normal number of waking hours, this would not be happening.
Last night once again it took it’s toll, I was asleep at 8pm and was happy to be there. I was so tired that just after I lay down I was aware I need to go to the loo, but I just didn’t want to get up, so I went to sleep, 9hrs later I woke to go to the loo, returning to bed to sleep another 2 and a half. Back when I was working if I slept 4 or 5 hrs a day I was doing well, disturbed by anything, I was up to start my next day.
Well rested in hours is far from rested at all, here I am drifting around again inside my brain and wobbling around when I have to move. If I could see the end I would be happy to accept and wait but that’s just it, there doesn’t appear to be an end at all. I wish I could change the subject, stop thinking all the time about what I am missing, what I am not achieving, but that really is all there is right now. A continual circle of pain and exhaustion. Of silent wishes and dreams that someone will pick me up right now and set me down on my bed with permission to sleep until I can sleep no more. A dream with a flip side that I have the energy to do all the list that have filled my head for years, the things that take time and energy, the task that would redo our home, painted and cleaned, perfect and maintained. I want to rebuild our nest, re-fluff my cocoon and resettle myself with in it. Unfortunately I don’t think either would really work.