Day on day

I’m really lost as to which day this is, I know it is Monday, but which one and the position in the month I have checked many times today already. It is Adams birthday and our wedding anniversary later this month. I can’t manage the huge gifts of later years but I want to get something for him even if it is small. I never used to have a problem of thinking about things like this, I was the type of person who worked on finding the right gift, something that fits to their hearts, rather than mine and without it being flamboyant and over the top. A gift should be not spoken about but still fit perfectly the recipient needs, likes and wants. My mind can no longer manage this, it is just a big blank whole, with no thoughts, idea, or even registration of the event. How am I supposed to come up with a gift when yesterday I found myself looking at the dishwasher, then walking away from it because I couldn’t for the life of me think where those mugs at the front where supposed to be put into. We only have one cupboard where we keep tableware, it’s not as though it is scattered over different one, so the choice was limited, at the second it was limited to none. That’s happened a few times recently, just like going into a room to do something and not being able to remember why I am there, I now find that I am beginning to forget where things belong. That to me is not on! I will accept many things and have, but loosing my normally spot on brain as to where things live, well, I don’t like it at all.

All the things that are happening to me at the minute have this horrid feeling of danger. I’m not sure how else to describe it, it’s a real fear deep inside me, like I am loosing control of everything. I don’t seem to have any time left now where I feel normal any longer, between the tiredness, the blankness and the confusion, well the result is someone who doesn’t know where they are going. I hope that makes sense. I have noticed that I am getting more lost in conversations lately as well, Adam hasn’t said anything but he has been completing my sentences, and clearly getting aggravated by my silences and stutters. I suppose the only way I can describe it further is to say that I feel constantly as if I am mentally drunk, but it’s not nice, all the good bits are missing. The where and what next are no longer a distant, time to think about future, it is a feeling of here right now and real, very real. In the last few months I know without reading back in here that the slope has been getting steeper, all I can hope for it that it returns to a normal angle soon. It is bad enough not having control over your body, but the increasing feeling of not having control over my brain, well that is really scary. I don’t think that I am managing to put this into word that well, as how do you describe what none of us ever spend time thinking about. I never thought I would ever find myself here, not once on the last years did I really think about feeling like this. I guess I thought it would take longer to get here and that when I did, well it would be sudden jumps over a few days, rather than tiny edges down over many months. All I can do is just keep going with it and keep writing.