I had to reread yesterday post following the two comment I had from Cathryn and Bordrich as I was surprised by their words. I am really struggling at the moment but I have no intentions of going anywhere! Everything at the minute is tough, be it walking or writing or even lying down, as I said yesterday I am either in an unfulfilling coma or wishing I could go there. What the last few days has shown me is I have to slow down not stop, I’m sorry if I worried either of you in anyway, but I know when I write about the really bad thing about living with my illness collection, that sometimes my words can be taken wrongly. I am at a real low physically and that I really do have to stop pushing myself so hard, if you like not take my foot off the accelerator, but to use it with a lighter foot. What I do daily on line does take up nearly all of my waking hours and I love doing it, but I have to listen to my body as it is demanding more rest. So please don’t worry about me, I am here and staying here, just possibly a little less of me some days.
One of the things that keeps me going with my online life is that I really believe if I stopped, all I would do in it’s place would be sleep. It’s not as though I could turn everything off right now and do something else, I used to have so many different hobbies, I loved, knitting, embroidery, dressmaking, tapestry and bead work, but I can’t do any of them any longer. Dexterity is one of the things I lost early on and the more mistakes I made, the more beads I sent across the room starting a searching spell on all fours looking for something the size of a seed. The harder it got to thread a needle, the harder it was to knit the complex multi coloured sweaters and the clumsiness of my once perfect needle point, the more frustrated I became. There are so many unfinished projects sitting in bags hidden around the house, projects that will never be finished, but I hold onto with some stupid notion that I will one day able to pick them up again. All the hobbies I loved so much are now impossible for me to have the slightest chance of doing at all, so if I switch of my PC, what then?
It’s not as though I haven’t thought about it, I have thought about it a lot as I know that the day will come when I will loose this as well. I have thought and I have thought about how I could then fill my days and not once have I come up with an answer that I would be happy to accept. It’s a toughie, for if I couldn’t use my PC, the reason behind not being able to do this would mean I wasn’t capable of doing anything really. I expect we all think into the future, to each of those points were we are forced to change things, or even backward to the things we are no longer able to do. I know stopping all my hobbies was hard, but they became more annoying and more depressive than what they should have been, a joy. I hadn’t thought forward to loosing them but I had a skill that allowed me to move over and replace, and start again. If I were to loose this skill, well I don’t know where there is to go, I can only hope that time will reveal it for me.
For now I love writing and it truly give me purpose, structure and happiness to do just this. I love twitter as it give me those highs that I need from contact with the world, I don’t have that physical attachment any longer and I find it here on line. I really think that the internet has been my saviour, the people I have met here have filled and grown into a family that although only virtual, make me happy and to feel I am still part of the world. So although I have little to no energy I want to keep going to keep being part of it all, I just need to slow down at time. I need to accept it and to have the strength to let things change when they need to, and right now they have to, I don’t have a choice.