So where next

Thank you for all your comments following yesterdays post, both here and on twitter. I spent the rest of yesterday as a kind of blank zombie, even managing to walk like one most of the time as well. My afternoon nap really hasn’t been making much of an impact recently, although I will sleep deeply for two hours, I wake with no real feeling of change, which I guess is what I was saying yesterday about the hours I sleep at night. No matter how much I relax or sleep I just seem to feel the same all the time, no better, no worse, just erased and smudged into life. I really feel that I have to states in life at the minute, off as though in a coma and on in a state that wants to be asleep. The last few days, every time I have been lying down I have tried to sort things out in my head a bit, even trying if you like to write a post that I would remember and be able to write here later, of course that was a totally pointless process and my chance of remembering much past the first line, and even that is dubious, is virtually nil.

At the minute I am really feeling as though I don’t know what I want or how to get it, other than clearly sleep. It isn’t logical to feel so exhausted all the time, but even accepting that is where I am isn’t really helping. I thought it would as normally once you have owned up to something, it means you don’t have to put on an act and can just be yourself as you need to. All that has changed is that my mind is no longer striving to do more than it is capable of, it hasn’t made me feel any better. Conclusion, well the way things are right now are being driven by and are totally physical. This is true exhaustion, not some sort of malaise. I put a lot of thought into this yesterday, as I was hoping that the whole thing would just come to me, one of those light-bulb moments, but I am sorry to say I don’t have the energy to even light a bulb. What I do think though is that taking a total break isn’t going to be the answer, this type of exhaustion isn’t one you can sleep off, if only I could. No I think it is a case of working with it, like so many other symptoms, so posts here and on twitter will continue, but many may be shorter or even missed out some days, if I don’t feel I can complete them that day. More rest rather than total rest.

At the moment I seem to have problems doing this, it’s odd as coming up with words seems to be easy as long as I keep typing, if I stop to think, I land up just sitting staring at the screen, just hoping they will appear by themselves. It appears that my connection to myself is flaky to say the least.

When I switched of my PC yesterday and settled myself on the settee I was grasped by a pain as though someone had stuck a javelin right through my at the base of my sternum. It started when I was half way across the room, shifting my cushion from my office chair to the settee, by the time I was sat down again I was actually out of breath, it’s a little hard to breath when every breath increases the pain. Once sat down the pain increased and spread from the center out to the sides, eventually it was right round me I had then had little doubt left. I am quite sure that it was an MS hug but I have never had one that started like that. In the space of a couple of minutes I was having real problems breathing, and my heart was pounding as I couldn’t get air into myself in big enough quantities. I think it took me a full 15 minutes get control of the situation. It is totally an instinctive reaction to panic when ever your body is taken over by pain like that, most hugs I have had in the past were more along the lines of slow tightening of the intercostal muscles, they can be painful but normally are more a distressing discomfort. This one started quickly and with the added panic meant breathing was hard, imagine a muscle cramp or stitch surrounding your ribcage, and you are close. Relaxing and slowing my breaths down eventually left me just in pain, rather than wanting to scream whilst gasping for air.

Over the evening the pain eased but it had taken it’s toll on me, with everything else I that the day had brought I found myself struggling to watch TV, programs that I normally watch happily where seen through a mist of sleep, with sudden jerking awakeness. Being totally honest I think if it wasn’t that I wanted to see Adam I would have gone to bed when I switched off my PC. I am beginning to think that I am returning to the life of an eight year old, with one oddity, 8 yr old’s never ask to go to bed early, they fight to stay up.