I crashed last night a 8pm. Adam wanted to have his shower and swore he would be out of the shower in 20 minutes, rather than his normal hour and a half. I really wanted to sleep, but he clearly wanted to spend more time together, as he only got home at around 7ish, so I agreed to stay up. I should have learned by now that fighting theses things is pointless, I managed to stay on the settee, but only until a few minutes after he returned to sit beside me. Sleep isn’t really an easy thing to overcome, just by choice, as regardless what you want, it always wins. I know it is out of my control but I feel so bad about having to sleep so early at night, I have thought about trying getting up later in the morning but Adam struggles so much to get up each day and I almost every morning have to remind him to get up for work. I have never been the sort of person who is able to wake up and go back to bed again, once I am awake I want up and I want to get on with my day. It is a no win situation as so many things are in life, not just for me but for everyone.
Dealing with all the different things that illness brings into our lives is more often or not a problem of actually admitting to yourself and others just what is happening. I made a pledge that I would always write the truth here and that is pledge that I have held true to, but I have found a way round it, so I need to make a change to my commitment to all of you. Not only am I going to write everything that happens, I am going to write it when it happens. You see my way round it was to wait a few days and see what happened before I wrote anything. That way I could filter everything, put in a layer that allowed me to decide for myself what needed to be reported and what didn’t. This hasn’t happened but if I had bad chest pain right now, I wouldn’t write about it for days, that way I avoided being told to call a doctor. Well from here on the truth means, the truth as it is today, being honest what is actually happening, that way I can’t put my head in the sand and as I said admitting things, facing up to them, actually make dealing with them easier.
Right now I am struggling, there I have said it, I have admitted it, wonder woman is not coping! Everything, even just sitting here, seems to be some sort of a battle. The only thing that seems to make any sense is just lying in my bed, motionless and silent, or even asleep. My MS or Fibro have the upper hand at the minute and there is nothing that I can do to change it. I’ve been trying, but nothing makes any difference and in a funny way I really don’t care now, I am just so whipped by life itself. I have written that line about 20 times now and how ever I write it, it sounds a million times worse than what I want it to sound, it not like I want to stop doing everything, or anything, it’s more like I want to stop time. Yes that’s it, I want a time out for me, a time out that would let me start a fresh without anyone else being effected. Impossible I know! It is a feeling that has been growing for the last few weeks, I noticed it when I wasn’t chasing Teressa for exact time she was going to be here, or when things were to happen, that isn’t me, I am a person who likes everything arranged to the second. I’m surprised Adam didn’t say anything, he kept asking me when this or that would happen, and I always answered I don’t know, but he never questioned why I didn’t know, I was questioning it myself, but I am so far from myself that I brushed away the question and drifted on.
Maybe it is time to start asking the questions, to start facing up to the things that are clearly wrong just now with me. The thing is I don’t know where to start, or what the questions I need to answer are. I know this sounds like one huge knot, but thoughts are like that, they twist and turn through your mind and you land up in places you never intended. This could be interesting.