For one glorious moment this morning I though I had a day of being able to rest my brain from the problems of conversation, no visitors and Adam back at work. The thought lasted for just a few minutes, when I was hit by the memory that a. I have a delivery from ASDA this morning. b. I haven’t heard from Jake since last week, so the phone was most likely going to ring. This wasn’t going to be a the day I was looking forward to and within minutes that was confirmed, the phone rang. 40 minutes later with a brain in total fuss mode, my arm dead and a feeling that sitting gently rocking to my spine twitch, whilst staring at nothing was a joy. I dearly love Jake and appreciate his determination to keep in contact with the world, but it is a like so many things now, I would be hurt and would miss him terribly if his calls dwindled below weekly, but when the phone rings and I see his name, I do sigh slightly and silently pray the call will be short. I expect it is a feeling that all of you in my position totally understand. There is a clear parallel between the worsening of my health, to my ability to cope with friends. It is always hard to explain to people that it isn’t that I don’t want to know them, it is more a self protection instinct, and I do mean an instinct as it isn’t a conscious decision or reaction, every second spent with them drains away not just the normal energy, but 100 times more. 40 minutes on the phone, even when most of it was just listening, has the equal effect to what would have been an entire afternoon out with a group of friends, followed by a couple of pints in the pub had on my when I was fit.
All these things are hard for healthy people to get their heads around, I know I wouldn’t have understood I would have taken it as a sign that they didn’t want anything to do with me any longer. I know from twitter that it is one of the things that I hear most from others, they always want to check if I like them have lost most of my friends. It is universal, regardless what your condition as soon as you become housebound friends slowly or in some cases quickly vanish. I know for many that it actually is the hardest thing to deal with, and many find it a painful thing to deal with. I spent several years in a wheelchair so my lose of friends was gradual, if I couldn’t get to where I usually met them, the number of times they were willing to meet somewhere else slowly dwindled. Because even then I was low in energy I just accepted it, there is a clear line, well at least for me, that they disappeared as my energy did.
Exhaustion seems to make you accept things. When you are too tired to care, after a while you just don’t care any longer, it is just the way it is and there is nothing that you can do about it. Just like you gradually accept the lose of mobility, you accept all the things that go with it. I never saw myself ever as a complacent person, but there are actually some huge plus points about becoming complacent. I could be wrong, but I think those who can’t just accept that that is the way life is, are the ones who suffer from depression. I can no longer find anything to be depressed about, life is just what it is and accepting that fact is when you have really adapted to your situation. I have better things to do with the energy I have than to let myself sit and cry because I can’t do something, I would rather smile because I can do something else. It is really about choice, you have to choose at first how you will allow yourself react to things, it doesn’t take long for there to be no thought required. Like a lot of things, the more you practice something, the easier it gets and eventually you don’t have to practice at all, it is part of you.