Tuesday morning and another day of shopping to deal with. I have to say this is one of the tasks that turns up fortnightly and although I am usually really happy to do it, today I just wish it wasn’t happening, but it’s feels like just one of those days. I don’t feel bad or anything, I just can’t be bothered, why, because I am human! I don’t know any more than you would where feelings like this come from, but they really are a pain in the neck that it’s here today. One day in every 14 I have something to do and today I just don’t want to. I suppose that is just the luck of the draw and it’s bound to happen from time to time, but shopping is the last task still under my control so I have a don’t touch wall round it, it’s MINE! Strange the things we grasp onto and won’t let anyone else near, but when life has taken so many other things, well I am sure you understand why. But here I am with a downer on normally a highlight and that feeling that I just wish I could cancel it until tomorrow.
For a couple of week now I have had the same dream just before I woke up, odd for several reasons, but the main one is I don’t normally remember dreams, ever! Each morning I have woke to finding myself pulling at the cover of the duvet, each day the duvet cover has been something different in my dream, like slices of meat laid out as they are in packs from the supermarket, or a stack of towels that I am trying to separate, but always something that needs to be separated from the rest. The dreams aren’t just vivid I am physically reacting to them, aware it is a dream and aware that I am pulling at the cover, I wake for a second put the cover straight and go back to sleep. If it had just been a couple of days I would think nothing of it, the dream isn’t distressing in anyway other than it’s a case of here we go again, something I actually said in my dream today. Being that aware of what is happening and actually being able to interact in my dream world with a somewhat logical awake response it making it It is just a rather odd thing to be happening and for the life of me I don’t know where they have suddenly come from and why I have it in for my poor duvet cover. Any ideas? Oh before some one asks, there has been no change in meds.
I just tried to kill myself, I never thought that opening the center of they bay window could cause so many problems. I haven’t had the curtain open for months now, but as we are heading into the slightly warmer weather, and because I have a flowers in the house, although I knew there was no chance of me opening the curtain fully but I was sure that I could pull them clear of the center window and open the blind there at least half way without too much trouble, wrong! It took all my strength to pull the right side curtain just 18inches, three attempts and it is now hanging at an odd angle but I can’t be bothered to put it right at the minute, the left moved with more ease but then came the blind! There is something about having my hands above my head that drains me faster than anything else. I have vassal vega, which means my heart rate changes dramatically and I faint, the Drs have said it is common that raising my arms triggers it, they also think that my MS aggravates it as well. One simple task with a result of my now feeling even less like dealing with shopping or anything. Everything together means I just wish I had left them alone and to hell with the flowers. Sorry for being moanie but I did warn you, it really is one of those days, but triggered by a feeling it is not because anything has happened to start it all off.
Just in case anyone is wondering why Adam didn’t open the curtains for me before he went to work, well he has been trying to open the curtains for a few weeks, but he doesn’t see it as warmth, just light, for heat reasons I don’t want them open before 10 am, there should be a little warmth by then. Last night he once again started offering to come home at lunch to open them and once more for what must be the millionth time since we married we had that same conversation all over again! Heat V Light, we are on the extreme ends of each argument I know, I accept that and try to compromise, he doesn’t and doesn’t want to with out arguing his side daily! I hate to see how things will be in the future, I have an image of my not being able to talk too well, getting angrier and angrier second by second through out the entire day, unable to do anything about those open curtains! If I had the money and would find a carpenter I would have the correct wooden blinds made for these windows, which some idiot removed probably in the 60’s or 70’s. Once the blinds where there I would nail them shut! I could be wrong, but I honestly think this really is the only thing we ever argue about and it always starts in November and continues to April normally but this year, I can see it being May. Last night I was amused that he came home from work just before 6, and opened the curtains to shut them again at 7pm, sunset and the point outside cools. I just can’t for the life of me see what was the point of opening them at all? I really don’t get it!