Solo Hugging

Day 3 of an MS hug that just doesn’t want to give in and every time I think it has faded, it suddenly returns with anger. In the last year or so they have been getting worse, slowly increasing in the pain they cause and how and where that pain appears. I remember the first few I ever had weren’t that bad and started as a ache either side of my spine, a little like a back ache but in a really odd place, it would then tighten and start to fan out, more like a growing cramp in my chest than anything else I could describe it as. These days they don’t give pre warning, which may be because my meds don’t let me feel it until it is bad, I can’t be sure. But they can appear anywhere now within my chest and rib cage area both back and front, hurting like hell at their worst down to discomfort at their lightest. Yesterday I found myself stopped in my tracks several times, just breathing through the pain and waiting to be able to get on with my day. I don’t know if it helps at all to control your breathing, but it does give you something to think about rather than just the pain. When the pain is at it’s worst it really does stop you from doing anything else but alone well I can manage, but if other parts decide to spasm it is no longer a joke of any sort.

Two nights ago I was lying in bed, I hadn’t been there that long when the hugs started up again, the pain was really bad in my right lung, not the lung itself but that area, and right across the top of my ribs below my shoulders. While I was trying to relax and control my breathing, my left leg joined in followed by my right arm, when that happens their is nothing that you can do, nothing at all. Spells like that don’t last long, minutes rather than hours, but those are the times that say in your head and are the fear that appears every time a spasm takes hold of any area. They are also the times that you don’t want others to see, I was so glad that I was in bed, as you feel so useless and even pathetic. It’s not easy to explain why as I know Adam has seen spells before where I am clearly not coping with pain or anything else, but I still prefer to be on my own and to deal with it that way, alone. There is a strange embarrassment that goes hand in hand, in not being able to be in control of your own body. Everyone gets a little embarrassed if they have a dramatic leg cramp, you want to massage it move around, do anything you can think of to stop it, and do not need all those eyes starring at you, as you feel silly. Scale that up, add in that you know already that nothing will stop it before it wants to stop, and it’s not just the normal calf cramp, or stitch it’s way beyond that. People want to be helpful, but there is nothing they can do either, all that is happening is they are sharing your pain and getting anxious about you. Their fussing is well meant, but being quiet and breathing through is all you can do, and no one can do that for you.

I know from things that have happened in my life the other way round where I am the one feeling totally useless and having to watch someone I love go through pain. To be honest I would rather be the one in pain than watching, it honestly hurts less. I don’t want to put my pain on to anyone and especially not on to Adam, I love him too much for that. There will be a point in the future when I may not be able to cover it up, or have the luxury of it happening when he isn’t around, that will be soon enough. Sitting here with a burning spear traveling through and around my chest, hopefully is only visible if he happens to look at me, I can stay quiet and I do, but I know my body language or face will give it away,but I am happy to protect him for as long as I can. Love is like that.