With Adam on holiday this week I guess I am going to have to get used to him snoring loud enough to bring the walls down on the settee for the next 7 days. I have tried to make him go to bed but with no result, he sort of opened his eyes and snored, so I guess he wasn’t actually awake. I didn’t actually see him last night as he arrived home about half an hour after I went to bed, I woke slightly as he opened the front door, but I think we all do that automatically, then drifted straight back into sleep.
I thought yesterday that I would be clever when I was making my dinner, I have long ago stopped trying to cook anything on the hob, unless I stand over it every second I seem to boil everything dry and destroy what was supposed to be my dinner, but as the oven is a more forgiving method, I have been using it a lot. Unless you leave something in there for hours the results are usually edible. For some reason I had a desire for a sausage sandwich, really an odd choice for me as I rarely eat meat, as they were frozen I thought that putting them in the oven made a lot of sense, so I set them on some tin foil and popped them in, returning to my PC. I became aware of the great smell of sausages and thought I should just go and give them a check, but as I turned into the hall I noticed that everywhere was filled with smoke. Yet again the logic box in my mind had switched itself off, I hadn’t twisted up the edges of the foil, I had just laid the sausages on flat foil, with the weight and heat, a perfect channel had formed to the edge. Stupid I know as the fat was dripping on to the bottom of the oven turning instantly into smoke. Luckily the sausages themselves were not burnt, in fact they were perfect, but this morning I can still smell sausages and the smell makes me want to have more, and there are none.
It seems I am on a string of silly little accidents, all being caused as I am acting in an over confident manner, I have found before that always leads to disasters, but it is so tiring double checking every single little thing you do. Not only is it tiring, it is usually pointless because I just don’t notice things second or even third time round on the mental check list. Silly little accidents are the things that worry me as I can’t help seeing them as warnings of the future, if I can make a minor mess now, I guess that I will turn them into major ones in the future. How long will it be before those sausages will be burnt to a pile of ash, only being discovered when Adam comes home from work? OK that is an exaggeration but I am sure you know what I am meaning.
One of the tests that I have now gone through several times is when they give you a set of problems to solve and memory tests, each time I have had the test there has always been a reduction in my ability to complete them, but not once have they been able to answer what to me should be a simple question, how long until I won’t be able to look after myself? I don’t expect any type of exact answer to that, but if you have a set of results, it is easy to plot them on a chart and then project the results into the future, they must have some idea from that alone. I know it might speed up, or slow down, but all I want is some sort of idea, at least then I would be able to make some plans for the future. It isn’t only my silly accidents that have me asking questions today, as earlier this morning while Adam was actually awake, I responded to something that was said on the news. The presenter had named a famous radio One DJ, but Adam had missed it and wanted to know what I was talking about. In less than 30 seconds I had forgotten the DJ’s name, which not only did the TV presenter said, I said it as well and I still can’t remember. That is the fastest memory loss I ever remember having. Seconds after actually hearing and saying something myself, I had and still have, no memory of it other than to say I did say the name. Like most things in life if I have caught something happening once the likely hood is that it has happened before.
I hate not being in control of my thoughts, there is something really scary about it, I suppose we all grow up knowing that if there is one person that you can trust, that is yourself, then to find that you can’t even do that, well, what then? Well meaning people when you say you are having memory problems always come up with suggestions of writing lists, keeping notes and so on, but that wouldn’t deal with the really difficulties of memory. Things to do in any given day is one thing, knowing what you yourself are talking about is something completely different, yet both just appear under the same umbrella. If you have never been terrified because something has been moved, or found yourself unable to talk at all as your mind is off in a spin somewhere, well you have never had memory problems. There is no answer to these things, I know that, no one can do anything apart from once again give me that look of “I’m sorry” followed by the silence of ‘I don’t know what to say now’. You get use to those, but they don’t get any easier to see, because once again that point of condemned has been reached. Me, well I just chalk it up as another step along the road, a milestone that clearly they all knew was there, but not once had I been told was even there, and I have now passed it. I bet you that as I am falling asleep this afternoon or maybe tonight I will suddenly remember who that DJ was.