It is going to be a strange day today as Adam is just getting ready to go out for the day, but I doubt he will be back until well after I have gone to bed. With it being Mothers day he and his sister are going to spend the day with their Mum who lives a hours bus journey away. I can’t remember the last time I spent a whole evening alone, it is going to be a bit strange I expect. Being left out of things is clearly one of those things that happens when you are housebound, life does go on without you. I know for some people that can be really hard, but you can’t expect everything to end just because you can’t join in, and every family gathering can’t be held here either. To be really honest that would drive me mad, the hassle of having people in the house for an extended length of time, is exhausting and you really can’t just vanish to bed, even if you do, well you can still hear them all. For me Adam going off and spending time with his family is the easiest and most MS friendly option.
You do strangely get used to your own company, I suppose I had advanced training in that one, having been a Navy wife, well I was used to having months at a time of evening on my own. I have never been what you would call a highly social creature, I never quite got the party thing, or going in huge groups to do things. To me I would rather spend time with just one or two people at a time, I can’t help wondering now if that is because of my MS, as I wrote the other day, conversations get confusing, too many people talking and I get totally lost, just smiling and nodding, with no idea what I just gave my agreement to. There are so many things in my life like that, when I look back adding in the problems that my MS were causing, which at that time I didn’t know I actually had, and there is a completely different light on the whole thing. But I am sure all of us with long undiagnosed conditions will be able to say that, when you are ill, you deal with everything differently.
I can see with ease why so many chronically ill people become isolated by a strange twisted choice, the worse your illness gets, the harder dealing with people becomes. If you think about it if you have had a really bad illness or even the flue, the last thing you really want is crowd of people around you. Well a chronic illness is really no different in that feeling. We don’t want to never see anyone ever again, but it is just so exhausting maintaining contact, that we slowly stop trying to. And because our friends slowly find it harder and harder for them to see us, they slowly stop trying and disappear. You can’t put the blame on either side, it is just the way life is and it is almost unavoidable, it takes a really special friend to persevere and not let that separation happen. In my heart my old friends are still there, even thought I know I will never see any of them again, I actually haven’t made that disconnection inside myself, as I didn’t want things to happen this way. I quite simply don’t have the energy to track them all down and say hello, nor do I want to actually have to say good bye again.
As all of you know by now I am content in my isolation, I know that is what it is, yet I have never found myself feeling lonely. I think I also know why that is, it is because I feel loved. As long as you know that there are people who love you, regardless of when you last spoke to them, or saw them, you aren’t alone. I don’t think that that last sentence reads with the strength that it is felt, but the truth is in there. It doesn’t matter how long ago the love comes from either, I think we all have sat and thought back through the friendships and relationships we have had through out our lives, and if you smile and feel happiness from those thoughts, well you know with certainty that those very people will also from time to time remember you in the same way. The older you get the more of those moments their are, add on to that the relationships you have now and how can you ever feel lonely. At this moment some of you will agree with me and some will think I am a nutter, well either way, it works for me, and it keeps me happy. I was loved, I am loved and nothing, not even my health can take that away.