With the bulk of the shopping put away yesterday I thought that I would stick one of the garlic baguettes I had bought in to the oven, well there is nothing as nice as hot garlic bread. I am one of those who doesn’t like to cut it up into neat slices, I like to tare of chunks and enjoy it. So here I was happy with my days routine complete and playing an game while eating my dinner, the start of the evening phase of my day. I suppose it was about 4 pm as I had had my afternoon nap and that is about the time I have my dinner most days, so it was just a normal day. None of us have days that are identical to the one before and I am no different, but today was different in that for the first time in months just half an hour after I finished my dinner I started to feel really ill. This used to happen a lot if I ate too much but I had been fine for a while so I had stopped even thinking about it, by 5 o’clock I was lying on my back in my bed trying hard not to throw up and to deal with the sensation of being drunk, although I had had no alcohol since the evening before. That was were I stayed for the next hour, not sleeping, just lying there motionless listening to the TV in the living room, and waiting for my stomach to shut up and for the food to move on.
Normally I would stay here at my PC until about 7pm but I never came back up here, although I was feeling a lot better by just after the news started, I just wanted to sit still and do nothing, by the time Adam came home I had switched everything off and I was waiting for him to come in. Slowly the sensation settled and by the time I entered the bedroom again at 9:10, there was nothing more wrong with me than the normal pains and tiredness, I was at my crash out point and glad to be able to just sleep. The last bad bout of this was the catalyst towards my going to bed at 9, like most things it is draining, but I thought it was under control, maybe that was my mistake, I dared to think I had beaten it and I had slowly been increasing the amount I ate each day. It looks as though I will have to back track on that one.
It does seem to me that at the minute I am not making many steps forward any longer, and everyone I think I have made, turns out to be short lived. It’s not as thought I want to run a marathon or dance a tango, all I want is to be able to manage alone in my home without double checking everything I do. I stopped cooking things on the hob ages ago as I either boiled over, boiled dry or just stuck. I have better success with the oven, but I have over cooked many things and my system of putting things in the oven so they will be ready at the same time as a program finished isn’t fool proof any more than an alarm. Nothing seems to be simple any longer, even the simplest things, and that isn’t good. It is amazingly tiring just living life this way on it’s own, there is something draining about having to remind yourself over and over again about anything that needs doing. Living in a semi confused state is frustrating, it almost feel like I am incapable of the simple things, not because I can’t do them, but because I can’t remember to do them, as I said frustrating.
I already have my days in a set routine for all my online activity so that everything is done and covered daily, I have a spreadsheet so that I can check again and again, if I need to, that I have actually completed something. I am beginning to think that my spreadsheet needs to be extended, that I need to have one that will take me from getting up in the morning, to my going to bed at night. Yes it is getting that bad, I have lost count how many times I have realised at about 6pm that I haven’t even been to the loo since breakfast time, my bladder hasn’t reminded me, so I have totally forgotten. Or that yes I have had breakfast but I have had nothing else since, being reminded as Adam has come home. There is little that I can’t forget, if it is something that nothing external will keep me on track, then it is something that may never happen. I just don’t want to go there, I think they call it pride, but boy is it a tough hurdle to try and cross.