It’s not really there.

A Saturday morning and actually no snoring, well at least not in the living room Adam is actually in bed. We sort of switched places today as I got up after another 11hr night, slightly less yes but still to much. I guess it means my body needs it, otherwise I would wake early and get up, but I don’t even have any disturbance to my night, it just ends with the alarm. When I woke yesterday afternoon from my nap I went for my shower and my weekly effort of washing my hair. I only wash it once a week as unlike when I was working it isn’t filled daily with hairspray or attacked every morning with straighter or tongs depending on my mood. With nothing being done to it other than brushing it stays amazingly clean and shiny, so once a week is enough and a relief. Since I haven’t left the house I haven’t seen a hairdresser, as a result my hair is now down to my waist and actually so much easier to look after. The hardest thing is washing it as it is rather full and heavy but once washed, then tied up in a towel for 10 mins and then brushed that is it. For a long time there has been two problems with washing it though that have nothing to do with my hair. The first will be obvious, keeping my arms up long enough to do all that is required, even when sat down is tiring, nothing that can be done about that one, but it’s the second that I really don’t like. Not every time but frequently as I let the shower water run over my scalp it causes horrid sensations in my scalp. It is a little like needles being run over the skin, I have tried every setting that the shower head has but once the sensation is active, nothing stops it. A couple of years ago it happened every time I washed my hair and it really put me off doing it, now though it is just occasional.

There are many sensations like that and part of the problem with them is that they leave a shadow. To try and explain to those that don’t have this may be difficult but here goes. Say you have an itch that needs scratching, you scratch it and that would be the end of that, for me frequently I will also scratch it but for the next 10 to 20 minutes, I will feel the channels that my nails have traveled over my skin, the itch has been replaced by 4 lines that at first feel like a normal scratched area but then it changes, each line that each nail gently went over, feel as though a sharp fork has been pushed into my skin and dragged down those lines. The lines slowly spread with the sensation changing as they meet each other, growing to cover a larger space then the actually itch occupied. Shadow aren’t just caused by scratching, one that is a guaranteed to happen every time is one caused by cold. If I put the palm of my hand on to something cold like a china sink for just a few seconds, the palm remains with that cold patch way past the time it should be there, it can be there for anything up to 30 mins. Even putting my hand on something warm doesn’t remove it, those nerves have decided to be cold and that is it. I am often more aware of the shadow than what caused it, finding myself trying to work out where the cold spot or gouged lines came from is a frequent pass time, as I just don’t remember what I did for it to happen. All to often the shadow reaction doesn’t bare any resemblance to the cause, the nerve has been triggered and it has chosen a random sensation I will feel.

Every nerve I am aware of in my body seem to think that my life is some sort of game for them to play with, I accept the fact they cause pain, but many sensations are really odd and really annoying. Sitting feeling a hundred ants climbing your leg, followed by what feels like blood running down it, is just plain annoying. On occasion you can disturb it enough for it to go away, at others it remains regardless of your actions, but they are all part of what slowly wares you down over a day. Pain is something other understand with little need of an explanation, but pain is one element, yes the most clear and understandable, but the it is only one part of a huge picture. No medication seems to be able to switch of nerves that have gone off on mad journeys through their spectrum of information, none of which is real, all of which is intensely annoying.