Well an hour ago I know I had something that I needed, really needed to write about today, I just wish I had the slightest idea what it was now. Yes I know it is a constant problem and one that you would have thought I would have taken the logical step of writing things down when they are in my head, but I always forget to do it, the double whammy of a bad memory! Often while I write it reappears but on other occasions I know I have no memory of them at all, it’s strange how you know you have forgotten something, without ever being able to remember what you forgot, how do you know it’s gone. One of those questions I guess you could go round and round on for ever, but I’ll tell you now, you still won’t understand it. Questions like that are there to drive you mad, well I can see no other reason for them to exist.
Last night I had what I can only describe as the strangest sensation I have ever had in my life, it started about half an hour before I went to bed I was sat as I often am on the settee, leaning forward, fore arms crossed on my knees, when I got the feeling of my breast bone cutting into something. The pressure sensation that I now live with almost constantly was also there and it really felt as thought the bone was pushing in to the middle of it. It wasn’t scream painful more just painful enough to make me sit up, which I did and it went away. As soon as I leaned forward again it started again, uncomfortable and forcing me to sit totally up right so that nothing could put pressure on anything else. Slouching in any way, it instantly brought this feeling back, I don’t need telling to know that your breast bone can’t cut into anything, our bodies aren’t made that way. But when I sat up totally straight as I remember being told to sit as a child, the cutting sensation ended and a sharp pain in the middle of my breast bone appeared, it was a loose loose situation, but as bed time was close I paid as little attention as possible. With the program ended I went to bed with the idea that lying down would remove the sensation completely. I sorted myself for the night and lay down, with my band of pressure increasing again I then felt something I them nor now can explain. The pain in the middle of my breast bone was sharper once lying but then I felt something I can only describe as movement, it started right in the middle of my sternum, something was moving behind the bone, the movement felt like something wriggling. I lay there totally transfixed by the feeling, when I put my hand to it I could feel nothing other than the normal bone, but the movement behind it continued for a few more seconds, then stopped. There was no indigestion, no heartburn, no breathing problems beyond normal and nothing that I can come up with to explain any of it. Once it stopped that was the end of it I haven’t felt anything but the central pain since and a search on line, well nothing. Ideas anyone? I guess though, it will go on my list of strange things with no explanation.
Strange things aside, yesterday and today that pressure sensation has been there without a break and just to add in more fun this morning my MS has decided it needs to hug me. Those who have been reading for a while will have been able to see that MS does what it wants at any time it chooses, nothing is a trigger or a reason it just is. I suppose in many ways that has always been the hardest part of living with many auto immune diseases they all seem to varies, you can’t make arrangement to do or see anyone, as you just never know how you will be at that point on that day. Over the weekend everything has been playing up but I expected that after my hospital visit on Friday, but it has again made me very aware of not having control of anything from one hour to the next. At my normal day to day levels I suppose I am used to it now, but when it all goes into overdrive it makes itself known. Each pain, spasm, tingle or crash into exhaustion have been that bit more noticeable, four hours out of the house has reminded me again just how little I can do and the reasons why. If like many people I had made any arrangement to do something at the weekend, I would have been in no state to manage anything, even visitors to the house. Many including me have noticed how friends disappear once you are housebound, but I am sure to a large degree that part of the slow isolation we go through is partly due to this very thing. I think it must seem to friends that we constantly make arrangements then on the day call it off, as though we can’t be bothered and don’t care about letting people down. Think about it, if you had a healthy friend, who never actually went through with any arrangements you made and agreed to together, would you stay friends with them for long, be honest, the answer is no. Although we all make allowances for those who are ill, there is a limit, eventually even those allowances run out and with it another vanished friend.