I didn’t want to get us this morning, I just wanted to switch the alarm off and go back to sleep, really not me. At first I wasn’t sure where that desire to switch off again was coming from. I wasn’t any more tired than any other day, I realised that I just didn’t want to have to deal with today. Nothing unusual or different is happening today, it is just a normal day, but part of my wanted to have nothing to do with it, to just slip back into sleep and avoid the day totally. When ever I write things like this I feel I have to back it up with saying no I am not depressed or anything like that as I realise now, that all I wanted was a day without constant pain and my only escape through out my illness, is sleep. Some times yes the pain does get wearing and it does just make me disappear into the bedroom to my only place of escape. Adam has heard me say it time after time that I have had enough at the end of my day, as I wonder off to bed, it isn’t just tiredness that takes me there. So waking this morning not wanting to wake up at all, isn’t that hard to understand, but it is just an unusual thing to feel.
The last few days with my hands playing up badly along with everything else that is normally there takes adjusting to. That may sound a little odd, but that is what you have to do, you can’t change it, or get rid of it, all you can do is adjust to it. It is like that for every thing, sometimes that adjustment takes longer than others, and I know that is down to the level of frustration rather than the levels of pain. Getting up meant that I was going to be sitting here forcing my hands that don’t want to do as they are told, to work flat out typing, sleeping would have meant I didn’t have to face it. As simple as that!
Once up I checked all yesterdays tweets and comments and you would think that a year on from when I started writing here, on other sites and on Twitter I would be used to the messages I get back from people and that I would no longer blush almost every time I get a compliment. You wouldn’t believe the boost I get just from a few people retweeting something I have posted, today I really needed them and I wasn’t disappointed, but I find nearly all of them to difficult to answer. It seems ironic that having my life destroyed by illness, that it has been totally flipped it on it’s head, opening a world far richer and somehow more important than anything in the past. Believe me when you are sitting here struggling to type, to find the right words and a body determined to get your attention through pain, being inspirational is the last thing I have in mind. Life is a strange process that just seems to get stranger and stranger the longer I live, I can only guess that it is the way it is meant to be.