I’m in a rather sort of dreamy not with it mood today, every time I stop doing something I drift off in a sort of day dream, not bothered by my lack of activity or my ability to pull myself back to what I am doing. Days like this usually mean I will land up so behind with my daily list that I will be sat here much longer than usual. It isn’t a brain fog, it is more an inability to do anything, because my subconscious has taken control, when I was more mobile it meant I would wonder around the house just looking, not doing anything, just going into each room and looking around as though I wanted to just check it was all as it should be. I have learned now to keep myself where I am as all wondering around does is make me even more tired than normal. I can see easily how someone with MS or any of the brain damaging illnesses could wonder off and get lost in the outside world for hours. I have heard stories where that has happened and I actually now understand how it could happen with ease. Years ago I used to get this urge just to run, I have never been a runner, but I would get this need to get out of where I was and run, anywhere as far as I could in any direction until I couldn’t run any further. When it was possible I would go out and I would walk until I had had enough, not anywhere in particular just away from where I had been, then walk back again, with this strange need satisfied.
This feeling today is somewhat like that, over my years of not having a choice to where I am, it has modified. The last time I wanted to escape was years ago when I was still using my wheelchair, but even then it was modified. I suppose this is a perfect example of how everything I do is modified by my illness, even those feelings that appear and you have no control over, change to fit with your ability. When I couldn’t run outside, I walked outside, when I couldn’t walk outside, I wondered inside, now I can’t wonder inside, I wonder into dreams. The feeling at heart is the same, but even my subconscious has accepted my inabilities and changes it’s demands to what I am able to do.
I have had people ask me if I ever get stir crazy, I don’t. I can’t remember from the day I closed the front door knowing I couldn’t manage the outside world any longer, once feeling like I was locked in and needed to get out of here. My mind has accepted where I am and I think the closest I get to it is now, when my mind is demanding space to dream to do what it wants rather than what I want. I can’t talk for others, I have only talked for a few about this and they have always been those who are not quite housebound but not far off. They like me at that point were more concerned about how it would effect their families, be it their children or husband. Housebound is strangely a really easy thing to accept and adjust to when you don’t have a choice. I believe that it is the word ‘choice’ that changes everything, when able bodied it is really hard to be locked indoors, but something changes in you, right through to your subconscious, and your reaction to everything is modified. I can’t open that door, go down the stairs into the outside world and run, my mind knows that, but it can make me run in my dreams and sometimes it still demands to be in control.