Yesterday became a day of feeling totally drained and it has continued into today. I have lost any memory of how long it is now that I have been going to bed at some point either before or at 9pm. It actually feels as though it has been that way for ever, it has now entered that list of things that I have totally accepted and settled into without any thought behind it. Over the years I added more and more things into that list of ‘Well that is the way it is’. I don’t remember ever being that just accept it person, I think most people who knew me over the years wouldn’t have put me in that slot either. I am not sure it is so much a case of just accepting, but more that I am a person who always make the most of how things are, and I have never been a person who constantly want’s what isn’t possible. You don’t need me to tell you that surviving chronic illness clearly is a case of adjusting all the time to the way things are. If you are in pain you can’t just flick a switch, that pain it going to be there until it is ready to go, so get on with it.
You only need to read a few of my posts to see that each day things happen that I can’t control and there is no way of changing them. In the last few days the pain in my arms and the numbness in my left foot and leg have been increasing, both are things that drain me and being drained is a sensation that I really don’t like. It is as bad as the feeling that my pain control drugs are making my head fuzzy, and the temptation to just give into it all and go to my bed, is hard to resist. I guess as well that fighting that feeling is draining in itself and the whole cycle of that through out the day, results in my not being able to stay awake at night and needing to sleep during the day as well. As you can probably tell from the way I am writing this that I am trying really hard to not just work through this, but to find a way to reduce the possibilities of it all getting worse. I have accepted it is the way it is, but I don’t want to accept it getting worse.
I suppose we all have a specter in life, the things we just don’t want to happen and being reduced to lying in my bed, just because I don’t have the energy to do anything else, is one of mine. I’m not so much scared of it as just don’t want my life to be like that, I don’t want to be in the position of having to accept a horizontal world. I expect everyone has some possible road to follow, it’s not something that is guaranteed to happen but there is a strong likely hood, but we just don’t want to go there. I suppose that is the best way to describe it, it is a possibility and one I want to avoid. If my mother was here she would be telling not to worry about the “if’s and but’s until they happen”, well planning for those “if’s and but’s” has meant I have manage to live well to date. The way that my health has gone in the past few months is showing me that that possibility is growing all the time, and all I can do is try to come up with a way to deal with it, without giving in. Right now I just don’t have the answer, it is probably a harder one to deal with than switching to a housebound life, I planned that one out and I was ready for it when it happened, but this one is proving much harder.