Like many many others I often find that I do my deepest and most detailed thinking when I am lying in bed heading off to sleep. For me I know that thanks to my illness, I normally forget all of it by the time I wake the next day. Yes I have heard the theory that I should have a note pad by my bed and write them down, I have never found that a great idea as I would probably be awake all night putting the light on and off so that I can write down the next bit or next thought. I don’t even manage to keep a note pad during the day so there is no way I could keep it at night. I do though remember that last night as I was slipping off into sleep that I accidentally made a discovery, one that yes I got a nudge this morning to remember, putting your arm on a table top to feel pain shooting down to your figure tips, is a kind of instant memory boost for anyone. I had managed to do something similar as I was getting comfortable, I had my left elbow sort of cupped in my right hand and caught my finger in the back of it, the pain shocked me back into being awake. As is a normal human reaction, I then proceeded to do it again a couple of times, just to be sure that it wasn’t a one off, or that I had imagined it, neither were true. I will never understand why I still have to check everything, pain I normally find is what it is and doesn’t for me ever appear once and vanish. Yes, I did just check it again and yes, it does still hurt as much as it did yesterday, as I said when will I learn.
Clearly the nerve in my elbow is reacting strongly to the lightest of touches, these at the silly things that I love to question and try to link together with anything that make any type of sense at all. This one is easier than many others, as you know already my left arm is only second to my left leg, when it comes to finding ways to upset me. I have of course checked that I can’t get the same response in my right arm, something else I just can’t stop myself doing, I always check the mirror side, for mirror reactions. You would think that I would be more than satisfied in not feeling pain, without heading off to see if I can trigger it where there is nothing, somewhere inside me is this need to know and I experiment on myself constantly, well I don’t have anyone else to try my mad ideas on, do I.
Last night when I triggered it I realised that if the nerve is requiring such a gentle pressure to fire of pain further down the system I am not surprised that I have so much pain in my hand lately. Just resting my arm on my desk must be nipping at the edge of it all day long, so when I sit down on the settee for the evening, the pain that has been growing all day is free at last to just hurt. I guess just like the doctors I can’t do anything about this, well I could, I could stop doing the one thing that keeps me sane sitting here typing. I already change position constantly through out the day, as it eases the pain my my buttocks and legs so the pressure is also changed constantly on my elbows and arms, I can’t do much more than that.
I mentioned a few days ago that I had pain in three of my toes and that Adam had checked them and found nothing, well the pain in those toes has gone, but only because they are now permanently numb as is a band around my left ankle, the numbness isn’t eased by anything, unlike pain when something is numb, there seems to be no release at all. Numb is upsetting, but unlike pain you don’t worry about it in the same way nor are you constantly thinking about it, well it doesn’t hurt, pain doesn’t let you forget about it for a fraction of a second, the brain connection to it is very different. I guess you really should worry about numb more than pain, pain at least means it is alive, numb is a step towards it being dead, especially when it is always numb and nothing else, no normal, no pain, just numb. Although the area on the top of my foot comes and goes, it at least has spells of feeling normal, but my ankle cuff, along with a strip down the outside of my foot now seems to be settled to a constant numbness and one that seems to be slowly growing.