Pass me a hammer

My leg is driving me mad this morning, I have moved everything around several times, so that I can sit in a different position in the hope it will give me some relief. It hasn’t. I am beginning to think that if I tried I could draw a schematic of the nerve system within my body. Some pains are so clearly linked as they shoot from one spot to another, settling there for a while to be followed with yet another reminder. Last night I had the one of the ones that I hate the most, it doesn’t happen that often, but when it does, it really makes me want to take a hammer and smash at it as hard as I can to get rid of it for ever. I know hitting myself with a hammer isn’t a good idea but it’s a great description of despair it causes. I think I cope well with most of my pain issues but when something is that acute that anyway to get away from it, doesn’t sound nuts at the moment, then I know it is bad!

I am not sure if others with MS get this, and I have mentions some of this before but not in detail or past where it starts. At it’s core it is a nerve pain and it starts either just off the edge of the top of my head shooting down to my shoulder blade, or the one I had last night, below and behind my ear. The pain starts there and gets worse and worse over about 30 seconds, hitting it max when I have reached the point that I am pushing hard on the bony area, with as much force as I can. Suddenly it will let go and travel at speed down my arm to the inside of my elbow where it slowly releases. Then it is gone, often it is just one episode with no return for days, at other times, it is bout after bout for several minutes. The desire to drill into my skull or smash it with a hammer, are always there but simply because of the desperation for it to go away. It is the kind of pain that I could never have even imagined a few years ago, if I were to put it onto a scale of pain levels I had then, it would have shot off the end of the scale. Now I know that pain is possible, it rates the full 10. I had two bouts of it before I went off to bed, in fact it was the second one that made my mind up that being in bed was a better location to deal with it. It’s funny how we all see our beds as a sanctuary, somewhere that regardless of anything else we will feel magically better. There was one more attack, and I use that word in it’s original meaning as this is war, probably the worst of the three but once passed I found some peace and slept.

When I have attacks of pain like that, totally out of the blue and totally debilitating and beyond the reach of relaxation or the meds I already take, that I wish I had help with. So OK last night in total it lasted half an hour or so, but it is pain so acute that dealing with it is something I believe no one should have to do, there must be some medication available to take when it starts to cancel it out. Right now my left leg is driving me nuts and I wish it would give me peace, on the scale it is around 5 but I can still deal with it, it isn’t stopping me from doing what I want. I have learned how to continue, years ago I might have thought I was dieing now I just get frustrated with it. I hope I am not putting too much hope into what the Pain Clinic can do for me, I stopped a long time ago expecting doctors to cure me, or get rid of the pain totally. I stopped even expecting them to know what is wrong with me most of the time, but of all the things we have to live with in life, this is one that I would have thought by now, we would really have some answers for.