Pain, it’s controls and it’s effects

Jake arrived a little late yesterday which really isn’t like him, but to be honest it meant that I had time to get more down before he arrived. He stayed for about an hour and I gave him as much advise as I could about sorting out his CV, which I have to say was really bad, but what he needed more was advice on than anything else was how the modern job market works. he really didn’t seem until now to understand that the local newspaper and the jobcenter, isn’t going to take you very far these days. I armed him with a range of websites, two different CV of mine and tips on how you customize them for different types of companies. I am just waiting for him to email me his results of his rejig and then I will set him of on his quest, by the end of his visit though I was exhausted. It never ceases to amaze me how just talking can totally drain you, I know it’s part of having to think more and faster and how we react to things is different when people are around but it was another one of those events that sealed the thought of my working back under “not going to happen”.

Despite allowing myself to rest for 3 hours yesterday afternoon, of which I slept for just over 2 of them, I still wondered off to bed just after Eastenders finished and slid into unconsciousness typically quickly. Adam woke me at about 6am by accident, he was in the hallway hiccuping and once he made it into the bathroom he started to cough as well. I wasn’t awake for long, maybe 10 minutes at the most, but it was on about his third hiccup that I noticed that I was once again lying in bed with both feet on the ground. As I lifted them back under the covers my left leg went mad, I mentioned yesterday that I need Adam to take a look at my toes for me, well it was my big toe that had more pain in it than I ever thought that a toe could produce. It felt as though someone had tied a piece of thread around the tip and was pulling it tighter and tighter cutting in to deeply. Clearly there was no thread there but it hurt believe me, add on the pain in two others and the spasms all up my left leg and you get the picture. This is also a perfect example of something I don’t understand, how didn’t I wake with that pain on it’s own? I really don’t think that it started the second his hiccups did, I am sure it was there before I woke and just worsened when I moved it. This is going to be one of my questions to the pain clinic as I have never understood why pain like that doesn’t wake me and keep me awake, I can only guess that somehow when I sleep the pain center turns off, so why can’t I turn it off when awake?

I have now for years used relaxation methods to help me go to sleep, I don’t actually really think that much about it any longer, as soon as I get into bed I start shutting down my body bit by bit, starting at my toes and working up. I think it has to be because I have used it that long, that my body now shuts down ahead of the commands and I am asleep long before I get up past my waistline. I have tried using something similar when sat here, not to shut my body into a sleep mode but to try and cut the pain off and I just can’t make it happen. In fact when I do try it here I find that I land up with more pins and needles than normal, no logic behind that either. The only way of reducing pain during the day is to do nothing, if I remain totally still, as I would be when going to sleep, then I can reduce the pain but the second I move any muscle it returns. Any way I don’t want to spend my life stuck unable to do anything just to reduce the pain, it isn’t anyway to live and that what I am trying so hard to do, live regardless of it.

I have always thought that logic was the best way of thinking and would ultimately lead me to more truths than any other thought pattern, but when it comes to my all and any of my illnesses I can’t find the logic no matter how hard I try, it is incredibly frustrating. Logic and illness appear to be something with little to no connection and in fact it is usually better to look at the illogical, as that is normally were connections appear. I suppose if it was all a logical, step by step process, we would all be able to not just live with it but control it, by interrupting those steps. Just like an electrical circuit board, cut the current at the right point and the next section won’t work.

I know logical or not that where ever the lesions are they seem to like to attack my left side far more than my right, not just with pain but also with numbness and strange shivers. The shivers have been playing up a lot in the last couple of weeks, I haven’t mentioned them as they are something that I normally only seem to have at night, but right now out of the blue they have started. I’m sure you will know the sensation I am talking about, I know different people have different words for it, but I have always said that “someone has just walked over my grave”, it’s a cold shiver that runs down your spine and send a wave of muscle quivering out over your back and then through the rest of your body. These are just like that, but only effect my left side and are oddest when they get to my face as they then set off the odd waves of numbness that starts below my eye and spreads slowly over that side of my face. As it goes numb it also feels as though the muscles are sagging, I have looked and they aren’t, it just feels that way. Nerves are strange beasts and do strange things. If they didn’t make my muscles work as well I would be asking them to turn them all off, peace from their antics would be a blessing.