Yesterday evening I discovered that I have been telling myself lies and doing so with great ease and accuracy. This is a little long I know but bare with me as the sequence of events is important. Every second Saturday it has become a tradition in the last few months that we have for dinner garlic bread and different flavors of chicken wings, I went and took them out of the fridge to find that instead of wings there were drumsticks, for the life of me I couldn’t work out why but it seemed logical that ASDA’s had sent a sub although I didn’t remember looking at them when they arrived, I always check subs visually. Despite that I settled that into my mind and called Adam to the kitchen to see if he wanted anything to go along with it and relayed my first lie with ease as I thought it was right. At that point I remembered that I had bought some honey parsnips for myself, my mind then changed the story, that I had intended for Adam to have the larger portion of chicken and I was having parsnips as well, lie number two. After we had eaten there was the blinding second when I remembered what the real truth was, I had bought the drumstick, no substitutes, I had never intended to eat any of them, they were all for Adam as he loves large quantities of meat. The day they arrived I was supposed to have told him that all of the two boxes if chicken along with 2 garlic baguettes where his to eat when ever he wanted and that I was having 2 baguettes and parsnips when I wanted them.
OK that was a long story about nothing on the surface, but the important bit is this. I couldn’t remember the truth or the fact attached to it, so my brain invented a possible sequence of events and fooled me, not once but several times. Each story could have been a possible truth and each time I accepted it without further question as the total and complete truth. I know the final one is right, as when I remembered it was a clear click into place. I can’t help now but wonder how many times I have done this before without the final bit, how many times I lied to myself and worse still, others. Clearly I have invented a way of dealing with the things I know longer remember and I really don’t like that, accuracy and truth are two things I have always held on to tightly. How can I be sure now of either?
I have known for a long time that I now have short term memory gaps and that to me was bad enough, loosing your ability to know what you were actually doing is something I was prepared for to a point. Recently as I have said before I have to check things more and more. I have found myself writing my blog and totally forgetting the subject by the time I go to post it on twitter and so on. I knew long before it got this bad that I would be wondering around not just physically but mentally trying to remember what next, but I wasn’t ready for this story building at all. I really don’t know how to deal with it or what the answer to it is. Short of writing down every single little thing I do and why am doing it, there is no way now of really knowing what my intentions or actions are. I find myself feeling somewhat lost, when you can’t believe what you think is fact, then lost is the only place I can be. I know it clearly hasn’t done me or anyone else any harm but the potential is worrying. My reaction like most people is to want to think about, it work it all out, but how can that truly get me anywhere, I can no longer trust what I think, I am thinking.