Lost and trapped in one

I had everything ordered in my head when I got up, exactly what I was going to write about and what I was going to say, then I started wondering. Not in my mind but around the house, sitting in each room without having a reason to be there, just sitting. I suppose the easiest example that may make sense to you is one I am sure everyone has done. You have gone into the kitchen not hungry but wanting something to eat, you opened the fridge door, already knowing what is in there, but still needing to look just in case, you stand there staring blankly at what is there, then close the door before checking in the same way a couple of cupboards before leave the room with nothing in hand to eat at all. I have been going into rooms with no reason or need for anything there, just checking, with nothing to check for. This isn’t the same in anyway to my visiting a rooms for a reason, then forgetting what I went there for, as I’m not going there for anything. I have found myself doing this several time in the last few months, just as I get distracted by other things on the computer when I am in one of my fogs, I have added in wondering away, looking and coming back again. I simply have a need to go there and no reason not to, so I do. I have to be honest it is a behavior that I can find no reason for, but I continue to do it.

I suppose I am more inclined to take time to work out why I do things than most people, as I need to understand so I can write about it. I expect that we all do things daily that there are few reasons for us to do, but we dismiss them and continue with our busy lives. My life isn’t busy so I can analyze myself continually, possibly not the best thing to do as it is easy to convince myself that something more is there than there really is. But if you knew there was something working it’s way around your body and brain stomping on and destroying as it pleased, you to might be a little concerned to what the reason behind things as well.

What I had in mind to write about today was something that happened yesterday afternoon. I went into the kitchen to fetch myself a coke and dropped the lid again, then stupidly rather than take one from my collection of caps I have for this very reason, I tried to pick it up. This meant that I had to kneel down as the cap was under the front of the fridge, I got down, but I couldn’t get up. I had to cross the kitchen on my knees to the other side of the room where I keep my perching stool, so that I could pull myself up, for the first time I couldn’t. It took me four attempts as I simply couldn’t find the strength to get off the floor. I have been caught on the floor many times, but every time in the past once I am somewhere where there is a leverage point, I have pulled myself straight up. Yesterday I just couldn’t do it, neither my arms or my legs contained the strength when I tried to use the normal levels of effort, by the time I was standing I had to sit as my muscles where exhausted, I sat for about 3 or 4 minutes before I felt ready to walk, but even then I felt weak and unsteady. I now have the proof that as I thought, my muscles are loosing more and more strength, it is no longer just a feeling that I am some how frail and can’t do things that require basic strength, I have proved the feeling right. So not only no ladders now there can be no more floor level activity, unless I am content to be down there for a while.

Combining all the odd things like suddenly sleeping half the day every day, and wanting to sleep even more, finding yourself doing things that make no sense, raised pain levels and new area’s of pain, more fogs and hugs than in the past, leaves me with no doubt that things really are changing. So watch this spot, who know what will happen next.