I don’t know if there is a sleep specialist reading this or if any of you have the answer to something that I am find more than just a little ODD. This isn’t the first time that this has happened but as it is the second night in a row that I have woke around 5 am in pain and in the same strange position I thought I would throw the question out there. I have woken with my head on the pillow and my shoulders parallel to the pillow, my body is in line until I get to my waist where it sharply twists so that I have both legs out of the bed and both of my feet on the floor. In the last few months I have occasionally woken with one foot on the floor so the second one there as well is another move on, why any of my feet should be there I have no idea at all. I woke both yesterday and today due to the pain it was causing me so I must have been like that for a while. There is no sign that I have actually been sleep walking or anything like that, I thought when I had one foot out that I may have done that by accident as my foot or leg was hurting, so a little sense there but both? As I said ODD. I really hope that I am not about to start sleep walking as I am dangerous enough walking around when I am awake, I can’t imagine the trouble I would be able to get myself in to like that. LOL
Yesterday was really a very average day, without any great traumas which is nice. It’s strange how life turns itself upside down when it comes to just getting through the waking hours. I suppose like most people the days I remember and enjoyed where the days when something special happened or something just a little different, now the days I remember and look forward to are the average ones. The days without extra pain or accidents, or anything of that nature, just to be able to wake up, get up, coast through what needs to be done and go to bed, are wonderful. I realised that something else has changed dramatically as well, I no longer have days where I wonder what to do with my time. Clearly I used to work and like everyone else I had housework and thing to do, so that took the bulk of my time but I did have points where I wasn’t bored just trying to decide what I wanted to do. That never happens now. Part I am sure is because I have less hours in my day, but mainly it is I believe because I now appreciate all the time I have, every minute of it.
Your view changes once you know that your life isn’t going to go on for ever. We all know that one day we will die, but once you have an illness that will ultimately be the end of you and sooner than nature gives all humans, things change. I don’t know how many years I have, but I know they are less than I did have. Knowing that makes you look at relationship, daily activities and so much more in a different light, you also make decisions about what is worth you time and what isn’t, as the time you have is capped. It isn’t something that you sit down and work out on a spreadsheet, it is something that just changes without your permission. One of the strangest things that changes as well, is my acceptance of my own end, I don’t fear it at all and I have an amazing calmness about the whole subject. I don’t know why or where from, but I feel really peaceful and accepting in what will happen. Even knowing that from now to then, my health will go downhill and I will feel worse and worse, with more an more pain doesn’t scare me. It is just the way it is and it is just what will happen, I have no choice or way of changing it. I guess I wish this is one of those feelings that I could bottle and pass on to everyone else in the world. Once you are at peace with your life and you appreciate the time you have and everything that you can do, there is a happiness that settles inside you and life becomes a very different and enjoyable prospect. It removes so many worries and so many problems that it is hard for me to put in to words, it really is something you have to feel to totally accept and understand. I just wish I could share it.