Sifting the smile inside

Last night I was so tired that I felt chilled to my core, not the kind of cold that comes from outside but from within. I put my electric blanket on as I got into bed in a vain hope, that the cold would lift, I don’t know if it did or not as I slept so quickly that I felt very little, something I am grateful for, but when the alarm sounded I could still feel that cold, as I do right now. I guess they call this exhaustion and I know that it is because everything is drained at the minute, fighting with pain does that eventually and it is peace from that pain that is the only thing that builds up your strength again, not sleep on it’s own. Sleep actually does very little other than give you a break, which I need, but I need more than that, to just be able to sit in comfort, or walk without a shard passing through my. Yes today I do feel sorry for myself, but that was to be expected as well, there is a boringly well laid out path for these things and I am traveling it once again! So I know all too well that it still has sometime to go before it gives me peace, no point my feeling sorry for myself, I should be looking forward to the day it just gives up and lets go again for a while. Even I get run over occasionally but I always bounce back to life and I will again, it’s like living life as a yo-yo that just never manages to stay still.

I used to think that there was no way that I would be able to live with MS, it was a spell that didn’t last long, as you already know by now I am a pigheaded so and so, who doesn’t let anyone, far less an illness to tell me what I should feel and think. Occasionally though I see that side again the one that would be happy to curl up and sleep for ever as it is just all to much work to do anything else. It doesn’t last long and it doesn’t actually when I examine it fit into my life, it just likes to try every now and then. I know all this sounds a bit depressing and depressive, but it strangely isn’t, it is more a reevaluating of what is and what will be. Choices that I think you and everyone else make more often than we actually know, as they sort of happen without a conscious acknowledgment, then sometimes like today they make themselves known. There never is actually any real choice to be made, we just like to think we are taking it with full knowledge of the facts, but because we are who we are, we choose to move on again.

I just noticed that the roses Adam’s sister gave me on Christmas Eve have all wilted, probably as neither Adam or I had noticed that there wasn’t a single drop of water left in the vase. I have refilled it in a vain hope that they might be saved, that the water hasn’t been gone too long and that they will lift their heads again. Strange but it all feels kind of right, I add water when oil is what is needed. I can’t actually see the flowers from where I am sat, they are a sort of a mass rather than individuals, but I knew there were in trouble somehow?

It’s time for me to pull myself together and to get on with the day, I know that until this tiredness lifts I have little chance of jumping with joy, but the smile that is on my face has to start being from inside as it is doing no good out there. I’m going to have a shower and brighten how my body feels that often does the trick for a while and all I need is that lift to get started, it’s all we ever need, like a machine it takes a good kicking to bring it back to life. I know they say that feeling sorry for yourself is a waste of time, I believe that is rubbish, I really think we need to feel like this from time to time, as how else would we recognize the good times when they come round if we don’t understand both ends of the scale. Time to turn that thought into action, by tomorrow here is hoping that I will wake feeling warm and ready to take on the new day.