Another night of lying in my bed wondering why I had eaten what I did earlier that day, this time it was my right side not my left, but it was that which made me find something odd. I laid my hand on both sides to work out if the pain was an exact mirror image of the day before, it wasn’t, but it was then that I found that my left side was still sore to the touch, as though it is bruised internally. I have checked both sides this morning and both now have the same to the touch bruised sensation. This to me is the first clear sign that what ever is wrong with my gut, it has to be my MS, as this is exactly what happens with bad muscle spasms anywhere else in my body. I have had muscle cramps in my stomach before like anyone else gets, but a spasm is different from a cramp, as it can’t be released until it wants to let go, if you rub a cramp or make the muscles around them move, usually the muscle relaxes, spasms won’t relax until they are ready, there is nothing that makes them release. The pain in the last couple of nights didn’t respond to massage or stretching, not even to my favorite release of pushing my fingers deep in to the muscle, or anything else. The pain was intense and it has left it’s shadow along with I guess internal bruising. The messages that should make my gut work, have been screwed up for nearly a year now and this seems to be the next step, crazy spasms that just lock and grip allowing nothing to move at all. Anther part of the puzzle I suppose and something to report when I eventually get the appointment back at the hospital.
This morning is like every morning just after Christmas, some what flat and some what dull in it feeling. Adam is working as he would on any Thursday so I suppose that is all part of the dead feeling in the house. It used to be the dead end of the month even more as there was that knowledge that soon the decorations would be down and the house would look as dull as it feels, at least there is none of that feeling as no decorations went up. It’s strange how the memory of feelings stay with us regardless if we change the reality, no decorations to go, but still I feel the house will be duller, less alive and less electric for another year. I am not sure about the condition called “SAD”, if it were fact I should be in deep depression as I haven’t been out in daylight for nearly six years, but I do believe in the fact that after all the excitement of Christmas, we all feel down in late December early January.
I am looking forward to being able to get my sleep pattern back in order, just going to bed late on a couple of nights seems to have knocked me, you would think that I have been staying up until after midnight, not to just after 10 o’clock. I always believed that the older you get the less you need to sleep but mind you I hadn’t added in the extra’s that I have, maybe it is normal for some one like me. I am finding it moving more and more onto my list of life’s frustrations, I have so much that I want to do each day but my time to do it in gets less and less. The more that I add to my life, the more it seems that my life tries to take it away, I don’t have the energy that I had even one year ago. I am slowing down in everything, from my energy levels to my thinking speed and my actions. The more tired I get the slower I walk and the slower I live. I can only wonder what the next 12 months holds for me and how I will be in December 2013.