Switching off pain

Last night I went to bed with what felt like several spears stuck in my left side and feeling so sick I thought I would be out of bed any minute, yes I went for the I’m going to enjoy today and stuff how it makes me feel. There is as I said always a price to pay and it was around dinner time last night that I started paying, finding a comfy place to sit or a position that would let me rest was a loose, loose game. Christmas is a once a year day and I play the balance game on the other 364 days, so one day off might upset me for a while but I was going for it. I enjoyed my bucks fizz and the one bottle of Cava lasted the whole day so I didn’t really drink that much on the scale of a British Christmas, spread of 14 hours I landed up actually feeling totally sober all day. Adam took on the role of cooking dinner and he did a good job, I normally in years past would have cooked it and I wouldn’t have bought any of it frozen, this year I did and both of us were a little disappointed with a couple of the results, we know for the future not to spend money on some of it at least, we all live and learn.

There is something about Christmas TV that demands that you watch it that day, recording it for the next day just isn’t the same and just isn’t done, I had to stay up to 10pm to see all I wanted to, so that is two days in a row of pushing myself past where my body said I should sleep. I can’t be totally sure if it was the lack of sleep or the over indulgence of food that has done the damage but I don’t feel great at all this morning. Everything aches and everything keeps twitching and locking then letting go again, but I can live with it for one day, well I hope it is just one day, I will have to wait and see. I have been trying to think back to the last couple of Christmases for the past few days, I wanted to know how I was and what I did and what the price was, but I can remember nothing. I find it one of those strange things that I remember what happened on Christmases years ago but I remember little of the resent years at all, I have tried hard but there is just nothing there. I have heard others with memory problems saying that this is what happens, the long gone past is Chrystal clear, the resent past is a muddy mess without enough definition to know when it really belongs. I could never understand how loosing your memory was something that you just accepted and how it wasn’t a terrifying experience, yet here I am with huge empty gaps that I know should have something in them and I don’t care. So much of my life is a suck it and see situation because of that, I know that I have been through the same thing before but I have no idea what happened then, so how can I gauge what will happen now, somethings have to learned and learned and learned again, with no guarantee it has been learned at all.

We have no plans for today and as Adam is quietly snoring I guess his plan is set out to have a normal day off work, just sleep as much as he can. It used to puzzle me how he slept so long as before my MS took over completely I never slept more than 5 or 6hrs a night, now I’m happy to manage that without a nap. I have this strange vision of the future where I sleep nearly all the time, just waking for the things I need to and then sleeping until the next spasm or meal time comes round. My world seems to turn itself a little more backwards every time I look at it, as though all that I was is being stood on it’s head and shook until it becomes the opposite of what it was original. I am not sure how I really do sleep so much and if I am honest if I do sleep all of it. At night I know that I have found some system that allows me to keep the pain at bay to a certain extent, the meds I am on I know are the starting point as they knock me out, but once asleep I have found that I slip over on to my back and I then don’t move. I can say that with certainty as on occasions Adam has piled his clean cloths on his side of the bed to put away, then forgot, I get into my side, sleep and wake again and everything is exactly where it was when I got in there. None of the bed is ever messed up or even untucked and that says one thing and one thing only, I don’t move about at all. Even my hair is unmessed and if it has been straightened it is still straight. On top of that I always wake with my arms, legs and back all stiff and painful, they take time to free up well enough to turn the alarm off. It is usual for me to have at least one leg and one arm totally dead with no feeling at all, as if the circulation has totally failed. How ever I have been lying I have clearly been there a very long time and my fixed position is the only thing that makes sense as to why the pain doesn’t wake me up. Exhaustion, meds and immobility have a lot of good points going for them believe me.