One Year on

Well I have made it, one complete year to blogging! When I started this I really didn’t think I would be able to come up with enough to write about in one blog far less two, or that I would be on twitter and Facebook, to say my life has totally changed is putting it mildly. I had already been housebound for 4 years, but that was 4 years where my life had changed very slowly, I was already used to working from home as I had been doing so for 3 days a week as it was, going to not going out at all was actually a relief as I found the process utterly exhausting to the point that the days I did go out I was able to do a fraction of what I could from home. Finding that I was now trapped by not being able to use my wheelchair, was actually a relief, one that became visible within the first couple of months as I managed to remove my gastric nasal tube and actually eat enough not just to live but to start restoring my pathetic body weight. Four years of working from home, a total of 13 years working for the same company and I was faced with redundancy, four months on from there and the first blog appeared. I never thought that just sitting writing about my health and my feelings daily, could really make such a difference to me.

The biggest thing that I think has changed is that I have found myself, the one that got lost when I was working in an office type job, I never saw myself disappearing but I did. My work before that allowed me to be totally who I was and to do what I wanted in a way that made me proud of myself. Some how I disappear under a corporate blanket, and it is only now that I can see why people drop out of society and live what we call alternative life styles. The regimented life that we are forced into when we become a drone in an office really destroys your own beliefs and feelings. Don’t get me wrong I loved it at the time and I miss the work side of it to this day, not just the wage. You are left without the time to appreciate what life really is about, to think through how you love people and why you do, to understand what it is to be alive and how to make the most of it, not just pass through it as fast as you can. Working in the corporate world taught me how to lie, they call it spin, how to conceal fact from those who don’t need to know and how to obtain information from those who are concealing it. I didn’t realise how those small facts can really stress you out.

I am at heart a person who conceals nothing, who tell the truth and nothing but, who loves people without exception and regardless of what they do or have done. I don’t hold grudges and I hate to see anger or deception of any sort. Until you step back from the outside and you stop listening to the ad mans babble about what you need to live, you don’t know who you are, you might think you do, but you don’t. When I set out to learn about my MS and all it’s friends and how they effect me daily, I had to start listening to my body and doing what it told me rather than what I told it, I learned so much more than I thought I would. When you center your thoughts on yourself, slowly you start to find a peace, an understanding about what it takes for you to live, not just with your illnesses but with the entire world. For me much of it was about tearing down the rubbish that had concealed me since my childhood, that mass of stuff that we think makes us and adult. I didn’t realise that was what I was doing, I didn’t realise much of it at all, it is only when I read back what has changed that I see. When I was DJing and living my life in a hap hazard way was the closest I got to this before, but even then there was still an illusion wrapped around me, they to have now gone. For me there is no mumbo jumbo about living well and being happy just a few simple steps.

I have learned in this year that we should all listen to our bodies not our brains when it comes to anything to do with our health, well or not we abuse our bodies, listening to it even for things like eating and sleeping will effect how you really feel daily. Then their is routine, routine in everything, eating, sleeping, the things we like to do and have to do. Those two simple steps are all it takes to settling you at your best possible physical health, but it is the mental health that is required to make this all work.

I don’t think you can find peace and happiness as long as you live by what we see around us. What I mean by that is taking away that veneer of what others expect of you, you have to be honest at all times, open about everything and open to everything. I had to revert to the child who cares about and loves everyone until there is a reason not to, then start loving them again. Hate is a word that has to disappear, it achieves nothing. I have had so many reasons in my life to hate people, but the thing is, hating those people allows them to keep hurting you, forgive and move on,

The biggest thing though is to start writing, not if you don’t want for the world to read, but I think that is good as it means you really are hiding nothing, a private blog I don’t think would work quite as well. Writing daily about your day, your feelings, your wants and reasons, is the most wonderful way of thinking through everything and letting yourself analysis just how things effect you. If one year ago I hadn’t started writing I truly think that without a job and with no way of getting one, time alone would have driven me into depression, the activity of writing daily in itself is the final piece of the puzzle as it gives you achievement, vital to our mental health. Who know what I will be writing this time next year, but I know 100% I will be writing as it truly is a magical way, of putting to rest what isn’t needed and to celebrate what is.

One year one I can also say with total confidence that my health is worse, so no surprise there, but I can track it and see where it’s going, thanks to this blog. I have records that show that downwards curve, I expect totally that one year on from now I will be saying that same. I hope though that I can also so that I am happy in my life and my world and that I am still glad to be here, glad to have the love of my husband and daughter and glad to have wonderful people like you reading and helping me through.