Last night I actually remembered to ask Adam to sort me out a couple of cards to send to my Mother and brother, he had already done it. He realised that I have forgot all about it so when he was sorting out his cards for his family he added them onto his list. Clearly he has noticed that my brain just isn’t here or up to dealing with very much at the minute and had stepped in. He laughed with me when I told him the muddle I had got myself in to when it came to the shopping for Christmas simply because I am just not making sense of dates, although yesterday was the 20th I really wasn’t getting the fact that Christmas day was just 5 days away, I get it now though, just 4 days left. There was one other odd thing that I simply forgot to add in yesterday, and that was I suppose the silliest of the oddities. On Tuesday the shopping had arrived and as always some of it had to stay in the hall as it was to heavy for me to put away, so Adam does it in the evening. Our hall is really dark and I don’t use the light as I am just walking through, but right up until yesterday afternoon every time I stepped into the hall I stopped, trying to remember where the long gone shopping was so that I didn’t fall over. A little more proof that my mind is in a world all of it’s own. What I did notice though was just like the date thing, once I deliberately stopped myself and put some concentrated thought into correcting the error, from that point on I have been find. It is almost like I have to reconnect the broken ends of the link and once fixed properly I have managed to move forward, were if I shake my head and dismiss my stupidity, it just keeps doing it. Life is going to move very slowly if this is a glimpse of what’s next. The brain is such a complex thing and without the knowledge of medical teaching I am groping around in the dark. It would be amazing to have a psychologist read all this and tell me if I am getting it right or making it worse.
I have just been to have my shower and as always I am now exhausted, my whole body feels as thought once again I have put it through a marathon plus and assault course. Something as simple as getting washed and washing my hair is a simple nightmare from start to finish, just getting undressed is bad enough, everything else, well lets not go there. Adam keeps going on at me to do it when he is at home, so that he can help where needed and of course because he is convinced that I am going to have an accident. I do see his point but mine is about far more. The big one is about timing, I have long hair that goes frizzy if I use a hairdrier, so I have to let it dry by itself, this means I have to shower in the morning so that my hair is dry by the time I need to sleep in the afternoon. Washing my hair is also the bit that I hate most, now he couldn’t help much with it, yes holding my arms above my head is tiring but the worst thing is the water on my head. I have tried different temperatures and altered the strength of the flow but nothing seems to make a difference, I get this sharp pains from the top of my head down into my ear and jaw. They are like small lightning bolts, agonizingly sharp . The whole process causes extreme fatigue and pains and help isn’t the answer, and I have no answers or possibilities to get round something that has to be done.
It’s days like this were I look over the past few days and laugh at the mad thoughts I still have of having a job. I don’t know who I am trying to kid with that thought, as I wouldn’t last 10 minutes. In my own little world I am fine and I have all the abilities that I had in the past, but I do still know what reality is and reality tells me it is all just a dream.