Right now I expected to be having a shower and getting myself ready so that I would be ready to go to the pain clinic, yes you have guessed it, I’m not going. It isn’t my choice but not long after I finished yesterdays post the phone rang, it was the ambulance service, they had been sorting out the routes for today and realised that I wouldn’t be free from the clinic until after the service had ended for the day. Apparently it was a new member of staff who had taken the booking and hadn’t realised that it was outside their working hours, somehow I don’t believe that, if I had a penny for every time that excuse had been used by a company well as they say I would be a millionaire. Clearly I have had to call the hospital and get an appointment that is within the normal hours, this means that I now have to wait 10 weeks to the 8th of February. I was at first annoyed and disappointed that yet again I have wait, but at least they noticed and worked it out before I was left sitting in the hospital with no way home. On the upside I though I am glad in a way as I would rather be going there feeling a lot more like me than I do at the minute, it’s really hard to make myself understood by strangers when I am having problems getting my own point across to me, without trying others too.
I am so lost this week as to what date it is and what is happening when, I had booked a slot just before Christmas for the final shop, I thought it was for Tuesday next week, I have a little calendar on my desktop and I suddenly noticed that next Tuesday is Christmas day, I actually have the slot booked for Friday, all kind of silly as I could have just bought it all and had it delivered last Tuesday with everything else I bought. I just have no control over my mind at the minute, no ability to even hold onto what day, month or anything else it is, I haven’t even sent the cards to my family, I’m just so confused about all the normal things in life, the day to day ones. I am loosing my grip on them is what my mother would say, and even though they are her words, I have to agree with them as that is how it feels. I am loosing my grip on the realities of simple everyday things. I never seem to know what time it is, despite there being a clock on my desktop, and without my spreadsheet I would get totally lost, but that only keeps me in line with what I do here, and all the things I do on line are taking more and more time, not just a morning but a day, well at least the parts of it that I am awake for.
It is a strange world to live in and a strange place to be not knowing, not understanding and not being able to do today what I did last week or the one before. Concentration, that is the biggest issue, not just when I am trying to write but even in the last couple of evening when Adam has been trying to talk to me I have got lost, not heard what he said or understood it. I cover it and move on because I’m embarrassed, being a lost confused mess when you are alone is one thing but when others are here, totally different. The other day when Jake was here I kept loosing it, I kept trying to keep up with him and kept trying to say the right thing. I know that everyone knows what is wrong with me, but it doesn’t stop me wanting to be who I was, especially to those who knew me when I was me. When it is just Adam and me, well I don’t stutter so much, I joke about my lost words and shut up when I can’t keep going, all those things to others seem so wrong. So I sit there winding myself up and making a bigger mess with each word, getting more and more embarrassed and more and more muddled.
I sometime wonder if the fact that so many people in my position loose the friend they had, not just because they slowly get fed up coming, but also because we push them out as it is easier to exist in a smaller more controlled world. One that means we don’t have to worry what our bodies will do next, what amazing, ridicules and stupid thing it will embarrassed and humiliate us with. I don’t think I did, but I can’t be sure, there is a nagging doubt that says maybe, just maybe I did.