I have zero energy today so for that reason I am cutting back a little on all my normal daily activities on line, not stopping just cutting. I don’t know if it is this stupid cold or if it is my MS but I suspect it is both. MS is this horrid illness that sits there waiting for any excuse to have an extra pop at you, a cold is one of those perfect excuses. Actually I think I should stop calling it a cold and just admit it that it is Bronchitis again! I don’t think that I have blown my nose any more than normal and it is only my lungs that are congested and I only have a cough and a bit of a wheeze, but either way it has now managed to drain me of any energy that I had. Even making my self lift my arms to type seems to be beyond what my body wants me to do, but as always I don’t have the sense I was born with and I am ignoring it, actually that is me being hard on myself, I know that giving in totally is a bad thing to do, giving in makes it harder and harder to actually get going again.
Yesterday I had this strange thing on Twitter where someone suddenly started being really abusive and swearing at me, I couldn’t think of a reason why or how I had upset them so I went to their account to see if it was just me they were acting like this towards, and at first to my relief I found it wasn’t. I wasn’t clearly hoping that others were also victims but I had the confirmation that it wasn’t me at the root of their rant. I made a huge mistake and tried to find out what the problem was and to calm them down, it was a mistake as it got worse, to the point I had no option but to bloke them. I have through out my life come across complete strangers who have taken an exception to me as a person and the more I think about it the more I have realised that what annoyed them so much is a combination of myself confidence and my insistence in being totally polite all the time. When someone has lost it and is swearing and shouting, being nice to them, seem somehow to make it worse. Knowing this you would think that I would have learned to shut my mouth and back away, but I have this need for some reason to understand everyone and to understand their actions, people watching to the extreme. I remember on occasion where my insistence on being nice got my pinned up against a wall with the aggravated gentleman with his hand round my throat. I was a bar manager at the time and he said that I had totally ignored him on several occasions, I still say to this day that I didn’t, but when a bar is really busy it is easy to miss people, anyway the point was I tried to be nice to him apologized and tried to calm him down, then he blow his top came round behind the bar and grabbed my throat. I find this type of reaction something alien to me and I can see no reason why anyone would act that way, I don’t think I have ever lost my temper at all with strangers and the worst arguments I have ever had, have been short lived.
I doubt now I will ever understand people of that nature, or how someone who is polite and friendly can cause such an extreme reaction in another. I guess I am and always will be, too nice for my own good, I can’t even remember saying something to anyone who pushed in front of me in a queue, or made a comment that I over heard, I just smiled politely and fumed inside, why, simple, nothing is achieved by being nasty, just turn the other cheek, smile and walk away, life is too short to do anything else. Add to that that these days I just don’t have the energy to be able to sort out the lives of others with an attitude well.
I spoke to my Mum yesterday for the first time from last Christmas, sorry no we spoke in February, I had received a Christmas card with a cheque in it and I know how she panics about them not arriving so I called. In most families if you hadn’t spoken for that length of time there would be loads of questions and things to say, we talked for less than 15 minutes and that was that. My mother has always seen this a normal way to be and all attempts that I have made in the past to make our relationship more average have failed, she is in her 80’s now so I doubt that it will ever change. Talking once or twice a year is normal for us and the conversation that we had was normal as well. Both of our healths and then her announcing that she won’t be here much longer. I have been hearing that from her since she turned 50 so I was actually watching the clock to see how soon it would be said for the first time, a new record was managed, not even 3 minutes in. As always it was her that brought the end to the call in her normal way of a short sentence about how much it was costing me and followed quickly by good-bye. She is another person that I have a little trouble understanding but she has been that way all my life, doing the minimum needed to be called Mum and no more. I don’t think it is that she doesn’t care, more that she has no way or showing it, I have no memory of cuddles or kisses as a child, more regimented performance, something that I think came from her childhood as she was brought up by a nanny, so mothering wasn’t something she understands. Her 3 minute announcement I think actually have a ring of truth for once, she has been in hospital twice since we last spoke and both times for around 3 weeks, she actually did sound frailer than normal, but there is nothing I can do from here, but let the rest of the family take care of her and wait for the phone call from my little brother, as he will be the only one who would think of telling me.