I am feeling worse this morning, not so much lungs filled with water as lungs filled with horrid gunk! I am sure I don’t need to go into graphic details. I had my morning all planned out before I went to bed last night, I was going to have a shower as soon as Adam went to work and then a bright start into my day of being me on line, instead I am sat here feeling grotty and sorry for myself, but that is what colds do and I have always had problems with them settling in my lungs, bronchitis and I lived together for many years when I lived in draft filled difficult to heat flats, but once being surrounded by warmth in and free of worrying about the bills I was fine. Now I am back in not a particularly drafty house, but it’s old and all drafts can’t be removed, although I have tried, but worried about the bills, I am once again in a cold house and instantly I have lungs that would love to know that today, tomorrow and everyday that there is enough warmth for them to breath easily. It is all well and good saying that I shouldn’t worry about the bills and worry more about my health, but what do you then do about the bills when they come in?
As winter has moved in on me I do feel more and more that to be able to hibernate would be a blessing, it is not just the cold and my lungs it is everything that has worked on pulling me down in the last couple of months, it has been waring on a person who had little enough energy as it was. That is often the problem with MS, little things pinch and poke at it, things that would have no real effect on most people and with each pinch and each poke it gets worse. Add in little extra something and you crash into just wanting to give up and let it get on with it. I don’t mean that I want to give up and die, I just want to roll into bed and to make a deal with my MS. “It’s OK eat my brain, or which ever limb you fancy, react to anything you feel like but just let me sleep until I have to wake up, because I can’t sleep any more!” Reading that back it still feels like I am depressed and I am totally not, at all. It really is a hard thing to share, we all know how hard it is to read things like that in an email or letter, I have often in my life avoided saying anything in writing that could be miss read, it is a good practice to have when you are working with different departments within one company as things do get misinterpreted, now I find myself trying to do the absolute opposite, but I still don’t what it misinterpreted.
Think about it or write down at this second how you feel, what your metal state is right now, put is to one side for a day then read it back. Unless it is all positive upbeat words, it will read back as probably not the way you really do feel. I wish that it was possible to just open a valve and for feeling to appear in colours and words right here for me. Illness can make you sound down as we all have spells of feeling sorry for ourselves, and the classic perfectionist of that is the common cold. Anyone with a cold will sound positively suicide, but none actually do kill themselves because of it. Have a serious condition and appear anything other than bright and breezy and people start to worry. Today is the same as many others, I am not dancing round the house singing, mind you I can’t ever remember doing that, but my point remains the same, where are the words for absolutely fine but I want to go to bed for the next month, it just sounds wrong.I know it was me who put this spotlight on to myself but it is just occasionally a worrying place to be.